The Hits and Sh*ts of: 2018

I feel honoured. This year, Thanos snapped his fingers and wiped out half of the universe’s population. I was one of the lucky few to have survived.

I also, somehow, managed to survive that cringe-inducing moment when Han Solo got his name, after a random dude just lumbered him with the surname “Solo”, because he was alone. Thank God he wasn’t looking for employment, otherwise he’d be named “Han Job”.

If you’re an online writer and you’re not doing an end-of-year recap, you’re just lying to yourself. Which is why I’m bringing you the greatest (and the greatest flops) from 2018’s movie offering. If only Thanos could have turned the people who made The Happytime Murders into dust, too.

The Hits

A Quiet Place

John Krasinski in A Quiet Place
John Krasinski hoped no-one would notice him picking his nose on set.

I was rubbish at a lot of my first times. The first time I drove, I ran over three squirrels and a deer. The first time I ate chocolate, I found out I was a diabetic. Don’t even get me started on my first time doing that. There was a lot of tears. Mostly mine. (It cost me a lot too.)

Meanwhile, John Krasinki’s directorial debut is nothing short of phenomenal. As a hater of horror movies, I can’t help but appreciate how incredibly crafted A Quiet Place is – the monster is an inventive, intelligent threat, and it creates real suspense without relying on the classic jump scare. Thank Christ.

If John or Jordan Peele could lend me their copy of their book, ‘How To Go From Hugely Successful Comedian, To Horror Director And Have The Whole Of Hollywood Jealous Of Your Talent’, that’d be great.

BlacKkKlansman

John David Washington and Laura Harrier in BlacKkKlansman
Hair and make-up took seven hours every day. Make-up, alone, took 25 minutes.

Despite being infuriatingly difficult to type, what with the varying upper and lower cases in it’s title, BlacKkKlansman is not only a deeply insightful look into the history of racism in America, but also mirrors the current climate.

It could be all too easy for Spike Lee to make a sympathetic drama, but BlacKkKlansman is also filled with humour that never takes away from the suspense.

FrOm NoW oN, i’M fOlLoWiNg BlacKkKlansman’s TrEnD aNd OnLy WrItInG lIkE tHiS, bEcAuSe ThE mOvIe Is So MoViNg.

Black Panther

Michael B Jordan in Black Panther
Because Black (With A Slight Hint Of Metallic Golden Hues) Panther just wasn’t as catchy.

The MCU is a weird place. The most notable heroes – The Hulk and Thor – tend to have the worst movie adaptations. Whereas, like the Guardians of the Galaxy, lesser known heroes have the best movies.

Black Panther, someone I assumed was actually a DKNY fragrance until earlier this year, has the best entry in the frachise.

Not only is Black Panther a beacon for equal representation in cinema, this thought-provoking movie is stylish and engaging with enchanting characters and one of the most interesting villains in the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

Paddington 2

Ben Whishaw in Paddington 2
This was the performance performance by a bear since Guillermo Díaz.

“No. I’m a 25-year-old man. I am not going to watch Paddington 2.

“Sure, I thoroughly enjoyed its predecessor; so much so I bought it on Blu-ray and polish it daily.

“What do you mean? It features an animated teddy bear, in a stylistic flick which resembles Wes Anderson’s latest work, with plenty of laughs, and even more warmth, and an exceptional performance from Hugh Grant as an aging, narcissistic actor, who appears alongside some of Britain’s greatest national treasures?

“Nah. It’s not for me.”

Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse

Chris Pine in Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse
Spider-Man was also envious of those kids whose shoes lit up whenever they stepped down.

There are films that opt for style over substance – look at any Transformers movie that’s ever been made, or will be made. Like Bumblebee. There. I said it.

Meanwhile, Professor Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse* is hosting a masterclass in how to create a beautiful, stylistic feature-length film, while telling a moving, hilarious story. Despite Spider-Man fatigue being at an all-time high right now, Into the Spider-Verse might be one of the funniest, most striking, and – greatest – Spider-Man movies to date. There. I said it.

*Professor Spider-Man isn’t actually a real guy. There. I said it. Sadly.

The Sh*ts

Action Point

Johnny Knoxville in Action Point
This was the performance performance by a bear since Paddington 2.

In Action Point, we see rollercoasters and log flumes falling apart and breaking.

I’ve never seen a more apt metaphor for the whole movie altogether. Action Point is dull and quite a let-down since the days of Jackass. At least on Jackass, you could sense that the crew and cast were always having a laugh; here, they’re just making a very paint-by-numbers “comedy”.

And if you took the stunts out of the equation, what you have is exactly zero plot points, and no message whatsoever. What did I learn from Action Point? That you should feed wild bears alcohol, because that is slightly amusing.

The Happytime Murders

Melissa McCarthy in The Happytime Murders
If only the Comedy Police were present during filming, too.

I was so ready for this. A unique premise featuring swearing, naughty puppets (brought to you by the Henson family) alongside some of the biggest names in comedy? What more could you want?

Well, how about some gags that weren’t about butt plugs or heroin? The writers clearly went for broke and tried to make The Happytime Murders too crude, and made a – quite frankly – disgusting film.

If you’ve ever wanted to see hardcore puppet sex, however, this may be your film. And if you ever wanted to see hardcore puppet sex, let’s not be friends, either, okay?

Robin Hood

Taron Egerton in Robin Hood
Cool guys don’t look at explosions.

Thank fuck. I’ve been waiting a whole EIGHT years for a new Robin Hood movie. Ideally, I could do with a new re-imagination every week or so. Luckily, Taron Egerton’s outing is here.

Unluckily, it’s dreadful. While Robin Hood stole from the rich, Otto Bathurst’s version stole from the rich original story, and added explosions, cheese, and quilted jackets.

Seriously, look at Taron in that photo. Is he meant to be duelling against the Sheriff of Nottingham, or modelling for H&M’s A/W campaign?

Show Dogs

Will Arnett and Ludacris in Show Dogs
Annoyingly, I couldn’t find a still from Show Dogs, so I just grabbed a scene from QVC.

You only need to know one detail of Show Dogs to know it’s going to be terrible – they added animated mouths to real-life animals. When has that ever led to a good movie.

Even the lead, Will Arnett, knows it’s dreadful. You can see it in his weary, weakened expression as he (barely) delivers his lines. Couldn’t someone add an animated face of someone who wants to be a part of this project to Will?

Y’know how – when a dog poops on the carpet, you’re supposed to shove it’s nose in it, to remind it that it’s done something bad? I want to shove the director’s nose directly into the DVD release of Show Dogs.

Terminal

Margot Robbie in Terminal
Smoking isn’t cool, kids. Unless you’re dressed entirely in red. Then blaze up, guys.

At this point, I’d rip into Terminal’s plot and dissect it for all it’s flaws. The only problem is… I still don’t actually know what it was about.

There were neon lights. I remember that. And some people said some things that were really grating. But other than that, who can honestly say they knew what the shit happened in Terminal.

The worst part? I accidentally watched this thinking I was watching The Terminal. I sat through this film BY ERROR. I hate myself.

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