Some amazing things happened in the world of film this year – Spike Lee finally won an Academy Award and leapt into Samuel L. Jackson’s arms; Keanu Reeves not only became a thing – he became the thing; and, well, Baby Yoda existed.
And yet, for every one of those, there was a – sigh – Cats.
It’s believed that cinema began in 1895. (Or, at least it’s believed by some nerd in his mother’s basement who’s frantically editing the Wikipedia page of the history of film, with one hand stuck in a Pringles tube.)
So why the sweet merciless hell are we still being subjected to shit films? Sigh. Here’s the Hits and Sh*ts of 2019. And I fully understand the irony of me censoring shit once, and not for the rest of the article.
Let’s face it – would this be a best-of-2019 list without Avengers: Endgame? This could be a Best of Sock Brands from 2019, and Avengers: Endgame would still somehow make an appearance.
Not only is the 22nd film in the MCU franchise an exciting, thrilling and genuinely emotional finale, but Marvel have managed to do the impossible and deliver a successful ending for their franchise. I’m not naming any names, Star Wars…
I’ve seen more coming-of-age movies than I’ve had hot dinners. And I’ve had, like, at least 83 hot dinners. Maybe more. Who knows? And yet Booksmart has managed to update the genre; it’s just genuinely hilarious and unique.
Any film that includes the line “Shotgun. Just kidding. I don’t have one,” is a certified winner in my book. And y’know what sucks on a totally unrelated matter? Delta Air Lines. Just saying.
Dolemite Is My Name
Cast your mind back to Eddie Murphy’s prior work. In 2008, Eddie Murphy attacked us with Meet Dave. A year later, he mugged us of all of our sense with Imagine That. Even more recently, Eddie metaphorically lit viewers on fire and pissed on them in an attempt to extinguish the flames, with his shit show that was A Thousand Words.
So who’d have thought his comeback with Dolemite Is My Name would have been as astounding as it was? Eddie proved he was one of the kings of comedy in the true tale, with a gutsy, in-your-face performance in one of – if not his best film to date.
Ever since I saw The Farewell, I’ve had to drink, like, 12 gallons of water a day, in an attempt to rehydrate.
Whatever you do, don’t tell Parasite‘s Bong Joon-ho this, but I’ve never really been a fan of subtitled movies, until The Farewell. It’s a well-crafted, emotional film based on the true-life tale of a family who decide to keep their grandmother’s terminal illness as a secret from her. It was witty, poignant and gorgeous. (Just like me.)
Toy Story 4
I, too, nearly punched a wall when I heard Disney and Pixar were releasing a fourth Toy Story film after their epic finale with Toy Story 3. Surely they couldn’t top that ending. Who do they think they are? Avengers: Endgame?!
Apparently, minus huge green blokes and snapping fingers, they are. It’s hard for Toy Story 4 to compete with its predecessors, given that they are genuinely perfect, but its warmth and humour easily rivals them, and thanks to modern technology, its – without a shadow of a doubt – the best looking in the franchise. And that’s just Buzz. Meow…
This is a constant reminder to be kind to others. After all, I’m 110% sure that the reason I had to endure what felt like 29 years of Cats was because of some bad karma.
Where do I begin? Is it the grotesque James Corden gobbing on his co-stars face? Or the fact Taylor Swift has hairy boobs? Or should it be Rebel Wilson pissing in a sink and eating anthropomorphic cockroaches and mouse children? Need I go on?
Will Smith once starred in After Earth, a film which saw pretty much him and his son, Jaden, take over the whole film. That was so bad that Will had to cast himself in two roles just to stop his son getting involved and ruining this too.
Gemini Man is pretty much the next worst thing, so I suppose that’s a compliment. It felt like the director had seen every action film ever and just smashed them together, in the hope that that would distract me from the weird frame rate that made me want to pluck my own eyes out and lob them at one of the two Will Smiths that were vaguely attempting to save this film.
The Haunting of Sharon Tate
I’m not saying I was hoping the Manson family would attack me as I was watching Hilary Duff, but…
I have to say, Anne Hathaway and Rebel Wilson played exceptional con-women. After all, the pair managed to con me out of a tenner as I entered the cinema to see this.
I’m led to believe The Hustle is supposed to be a comedy… Maybe? And a female-empowering one at that. Well, that is until a man bests the two women and we’re back to where we started. Hooray for feminism. I think.
I’m a simple man. I still giggle at farts, and if I see a flock of pigeons, no matter who I’m with, I have to charge into them all. Plus, farts. HA! That’s funny as hell.
And yet Wonder Park did not amuse me. Nor do I believe it amused anyone. Yeah, there was, like, 18 seconds on a rollercoaster that might have amused kids, but it’s so boring and forgettable that boasts the moral of hoping that one of your parents gets critically ill so you can run away from your responsibilities and end up in a delusional, make-believe fairground and fight bears… Genuinely.
That is the plot of Wonder Park.