I mean, honestly. Where do I fucking begin?
As someone who has a mild phobia of cats, am I legally allowed to sue Universal Pictures for the decades worth of therapy and cognitive restructuring that I will now need, after seeing Cats?
We all saw the gruesome trailer which was released, after it was summoned from a satanic pentagram and unleashed upon the world. And yet, it wasn’t an elaborate practical joke. We have finally fucked up the planet to such an extent that people think it’s okay – and even humane – to have James Corden, butt-naked, in a furry costume, gobbing on someone’s face.
Can you see my issue with that?
I have a very basic format on The Movie Dweeb – I see a film, and I critique it. I believe I am the first movie fan to have ever done that. But I don’t see it physically possible to write a review of Cats. Instead, I wish to take this further.
I want to present to you my criticisms of this demonic hellfire as exhibits – because I am sure as shit going to take Tom Hooper to court over this.
Exhibit A: The Structure
For anyone who’s never seen a movie before – firstly, what are you doing on a site called The Movie Dweeb? – a film usually has a beginning, a middle, and an end.
This is where Cats is like something you’ve never seen before.
Every other scene starts with some random cat leaping onto the screen and screeching “WASSUP? I’m Doctor Daloopadoo, the butt-fingering cat”. From there, he’ll sing a song that literally no-one enjoys, about how much he adores fingering butts, only for Idris Elba to make him disappear.
And, yes, this is the entire plot of Cats. It happens, like, 12 different times.
Exhibit B: The CGI
Imagine starting a project, only to hand it in half-arsed, and half-completed. (I say that as if I don’t do it; heck – I’ve even done it with some of the articles on this website.)
But that’s no crime, is it? What is a crime is doing it with a project that cost over $95,000,000. Just to remind you – you could buy 969,387 tickets to Disney World for that; or three Five Guys burgers for that amount of money.
Universal Pictures are having to pull Cats from cinemas so they can republish the movie with better CGI. At one point, someone just didn’t bother to animate Judi Dench’s paw, and instead left her stood there with her human hand; wedding ring and all, making it look like as if the 85-year-old from Skyfall had banged a sodding Persian.
Exhibit C: The Boobs
No, I’m not talking about James Corden, despite however much of a tit he may be.
As the animators may not have had the time to remove Judi’s real, human hands, you’d have thought they could have at least altered the cats’ breasts. It’s weird, man.
One poor intern would have spent, like, 93 days straight removing Jason Derulo’s anaconda from shots – see below – and yet they couldn’t have done something to stop over sexualising cats.
It only gets worse when they start gyrating and grinding against each other. I honestly felt more at ease watching 2 Girls, 1 Cup.
Exhibit D: Rebel Wilson
There’s no denying that the cast isn’t stellar. Cats boasts a roster including Jennifer Hudson, Taylor Swift and Sir Ian McKellen to name a few.
I was even pleasantly surprised to see Rebel Wilson as part of the A-list cast.
I was surprised for completely different reasons when I saw her actually in the picture.
Here are just a few things that the Critics’ Choice Awards nominee did during her stint as Jennyanydots: she urinated in a sink, she removed her fur to reveal a leather corset number, she munched on human-cockroach hybrid monsters, and she repeatedly scratched her groin directly down the camera.
At least her script was a pile of garbage to match her characters actions; every sentence Rebel uttered was a lazy idiom about cats. “Has the cat got your tongue?”, “You’re such a copycat”, “You look like something the cat dragged in.”
I wouldn’t even be slightly bothered about taking Jennyanydots to the vets and never returning.
Exhibit E: The Purring
Rumour has it that there are cats in Cats. Who knew? And I’ve come to the understanding that cats purr.
I just wasn’t expecting to see esteemed, credible Oscar-winning performers hiss as such.
It’s so uncomfortable seeing Idris Elba paw at his own face, as he licks himself clean. And seeing Ian McKellen imitate a cat is something that I think even he despised.
At one point, Ian doesn’t do an impression of a cat. It’s as if Tom Hooper shoved the script under his nose, Ian read that it said “Meow, meow, meow” and simply phoned it in by quite literally saying “Meow, meow, meow” in his iconic, deep voice. That – that happened.
Exhibit F: The Ending
I would warn you about spoilers, but the musical Cats premiered 38 years ago, and, frankly, even if it hadn’t I advise you don’t go to see the film of the same name, so there’s no need to worry about spoilers.
In some weird turn of events, Grizabella (Jennifer Hudson) ascends to the Heaviside Layer via a chandelier that transforms into a hot air balloon. I mean, I’ve fucking seen Idris Elba turn James Corden into dust, and seen Rebel Wilson pissing, so why not have a hot air balloon?
I mean, if I said Taylor Swift then shat a goose out, as Jennifer Hudson played Mario Kart with Gandhi, I wouldn’t judge you for thinking that they could have been actual scenes in the film.
Thank you, your honour.