I wish I could do everything Chris Evans does.
I wish I was as ruggedly handsome as Chris Evans is.
I wish I could pull off knitted sweaters as well as Chris Evans does.
I wish I could accidentally leak my dick pics as well as Chris Evans. (Whenever I do it, I get “I don’t think that was meant for us. This is the family WhatsApp group. I wish you were never born, son.”)
I also wish that I was a fantastic actor, who was adored by millions, and has starred in some of the biggest movies ever made. But he’s not content with playing Captain America, is he? Next, Chris is taking on roles opposite the likes of Leonardo DiCaprio, and is even set to portray actual Buzz Lightyear.
I’d like to think, somewhere in Los Angeles, Chris is longing to have a life like mine. It seems unlikely, but I can hope, can’t I?
Don’t Look Up (2021)
After the year we’ve all had, you know what we could do with? A good ol’ disaster movie. That will really lighten our spirits, won’t it? Fortunately, much like director Adam McKay’s previous work (including Vice and The Big Short) Don’t Look Up is set to be a dark comedy, so at least I won’t leave the cinema feeling like a total husk of a being. (That’s if cinemas are open.)
Chris Evans – who is also set to star alongside *deep breath* Leonardo DiCaprio, Jennifer Lawrence, Cate Blanchett, Timothée Chalamet, Jonah Hill, Ron Perlman, Mark Rylance, Matthew Perry and Ariana Grande – plays Peter Isherwell. Not a lot is known about his character, but it’s rumoured that he will be an Elon Musk figure.
Which leads me to believe that Jonah Hill will play his baby, and much like Elon’s child, will have a ridiculous name, like JΦR8 H39-9K.
It’s been two years, and I’m still hysterically crying at the final scenes of Toy Story 4. Then again, it was a Tom Hanks performance; regardless of what he plays, it will make me emotional. I still well up at David S. Pumpkins.
And now, I can assure you that Disney and Pixar will do it again in their upcoming feature, Lightyear. And before you get too irate, angry eggs of Twitter, Disney aren’t replacing Tim Allen as the titular character, but are instead focussing on the (computer-generated) human, Buzz Lightyear, that inspired the dolls.
“Working with Pixar is a dream come true. I’ve been a massive fan of their films since the very beginning,” said Chris in a lengthy Instagram post when it was announced.
Ironically, my girlfriend said it was a dream come true when Chris leaked his own nudes.
The Gray Man (TBC)
I know I’m clingy, but you don’t get much clingier than Joe and Anthony Russo, do you? The directing duo finished their stint on the Avengers franchise, and still insist on working with their superhero cast; first there was Extraction with Chris Hemsworth, then came Cherry with Tom Holland.
Now, the Russo Brothers are working once again with Chris Evans on their CIA thriller, The Gray Man. Chris plays Lloyd Hansen, a villain who is challenged with the task of hunting down Ryan Gosling’s Court Gentry, a former CIA operative who was betrayed by the agency.
Fortunately, this film is set to appear on Netflix – after filming was rumoured to start this year – as I can’t imagine buying tickets to see this Evans-Gosling film will be easy. Imagine; every single mum EVER will have hired out every single seat.
Little Shop of Horrors (TBC)
How could Chris Evans’ career get any more peculiar? He’s played a superhero frozen in time who wields an indestructible shield, before making white knitted jumpers popular, and is then set to appear as a man who inspired a plastic Tim Allen figurine.
I know; why not have him converse with a talking plant, voiced by Billy Porter?
This is set to be one of many iterations of Little Shop of Horrors, and will see Taron Egerton play the role of Seymour Krelborn, whilst, as I’ve already mentioned, Billy Porter will play the carnivorous talking plant. It’s rumoured that Chris will reunite with his Avengers co-star, Scarlett Johansson, to play Dr. Scrivello and Audrey, respectively.
Bermuda Triangle (TBC)
I mean, what I know about Bermuda Triangle could be written on a postage stamp. I, erm, know it’s called Bermuda Triangle. Is that enough?
As the name suggests, it is presumably set in the North Atlantic Ocean, where a number of ships and planes have reportedly disappeared. (Much like all of my information for this film.) Chris Evans is rumoured to portray Dr Fisk.