This is awkward, isn’t it?
At the beginning of this year, I promised myself that I would write for The Movie Dweeb at least once a day, for every day in 2021.
I made that vow, and then – I didn’t really write anything else. Have I posted in the last couple of days? Not at all. In fact, I lied to you, and I don’t like to lie.
Unless it’s on my CV. Or my Tinder profile. Or to my friends about why I can’t do another Zoom quiz. Or to myself, saying that I’ll go on the Nintendo Switch Ring Fit tomorrow. Or to – sod it. I do like to lie. Hell, I’ll lie to you right now – I have every intention of writing for The Movie Dweeb tomorrow too.
That. Was. A. Lie. I’m probably going to sit in my pants, watching RuPaul’s Drag Race; pretending that I don’t even have a movie account to post to.
But you have my full undivided attention now – sorry; I thought I just saw a fly – where was I?
For the first time this month – and, quite possibly the last – I am going to discuss some movie news. As punishment for lying to you, I haven’t even picked the subject; I will see it for the first time on a piece of paper that is being handed to me as I type. Today, I’m discussing… Sexy rabbits. What the fuck?!
How was that for acting? Of course I knew I was talking about sexy rabbits. It’s my handwriting on the paper. Do you actually think I have a crew of people working on this? It’s just me. All me.
INT. JACK, MY VIDEO EDITOR’S, OFFICE – DAY
JACK, a dopey looking bloke, is reading this article. A single tear rolls down his face, as he realises that no-one really recollects his existence.
This year, we are set to get Space Jam 2. I am more excited for this than the damn vaccine. Inject Bugs Bunny into my veins, already.
He, as well as Daffy Duck, Foghorn Leghorn and the rest of the Looney Tunes gang will star in the basketball sequel. See. I do watch sports, Dad. Are you proud of me now? Please return my calls.
However, there is one character that has left Twitter up in arms. Is it because we won’t see Michael Jordan again? Nope. They’re okay with LeBron James. Are people upset because Danny DeVito isn’t reprising his role as a green alien? Of course not. Fans are content with Don Cheadle’s antagonist.
In fact, Space Jam 2 was trending because… Some people were upset they couldn’t touch themselves to Lola Bunny anymore. I wish that was a joke. I really, really do.
After one fan shared two stills, comparing Lola Bunny’s appearances from the 1996 original, to the upcoming Space Jam: A New Legacy, fans were splitting hairs over the two. I probably shouldn’t have used the term “splitting hares” given some of the explicit fanart I’ve seen whilst researching this topic.
Lola has, seemingly, had a drastic change. She is less, erm, curvy, and she’s wearing baggier clothes. While I don’t see the need to make a small furry mammal sexy, I do find it quite a strange move…
Did a group of producers sit in a room and say “After Space Jam 1, how can we get people to take Lola more seriously? How about we get rid of her boobies?
“And her knees?”
Like, she could still be – shudder – sexy and a great character; a successful sports woman, couldn’t she? I hate that I’ve justified making a cartoon in a kid’s movie shaggable. I’d understand if you didn’t return my calls now, Dad.
It’s not a feminist move to make her less sexy, is it? What would be a feminist move is to stop every male character from salivating as they imagine themselves quite literally at it like rabbits with Lola.
I’d be content if that was the whole conversation online. Instead, there are some people who are annoyed they can’t shag Lola anymore.
Lola Bunny is a rabbit. I – I genuinely cannot fathom how this is sexy.
Do all of the people who are up in arms go down their local supermarket at Easter, and see all of the bunnies on the Easter Egg boxes, and imagine it’s like PornHub?
At the end of the day, she is a cartoon. If you want to see cartoon boobs, just draw some. It’s so easy. Like…
INT. DANIEL’S BEDROOM – DAY
DANIEL, a ruggedly handsome movie journalist, draws a pair of tits on some paper.
They’re actually quite good. I was going to throw that drawing away, but I’ll just carefully place that over there and keep that…
In fact, people are arguing this change. Shouldn’t we have been arguing why they put tits on a rabbit in the first place?
Of course, this isn’t the first time animated characters have been over sexualised. Take Sandy from SpongeBob SquarePants. Why am I looking at a squirrel in a bra? And, why is it only one bra? Don’t squirrels have eight teats?
(I actually had to Google “how many nipples does a squirrel have?” on my work laptop.)
There’s also Angie – Angelina Jolie’s character from Shark Tale. How over-sexualised is she? This does bring a whole new meaning to ‘sleeping with the fishes’.
Most importantly, there’s Pokémon’s Nidoqueen. PHWOAR. I – I don’t even know where to begin. I just want to lick her metallic brow.
And now there’s Lola Bunny. I’ll admit. I fancied her – a lot – when I watched Space Jam. Then again, I also fancied Marvin the Martian, so don’t use me as a moral compass. But as I matured, my tastes developed, and I started becoming more and more attracted to these things called humas.
If you think Lola becoming less “sexy” is bad, let’s talk about King Neptune. Here he is in the SpongeBob episode Neptune’s Spatula. You don’t get sexier than that…
I want to paint myself green, and grow some facial hair more impressive than the three puffs of bum fluff on my chin right now, in an attempt to impersonate him.
And then there’s him in The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie.
If that’s not an injustice of epic proportions when it comes to desexualising a character, I don’t know what is. In fact, there’s one SpongeBob meme that I think does this justice.
I – I appreciate that you couldn’t hear anything there. I had to mute the clip for copyright reasons. I make one article every decade; I do not need Nickelodeon suing me over my, like, third video ever, okay?
I don’t know what’s going to happen next, with Lola’s appearance in the upcoming Space Jam sequel. Maybe this will get the Sonic effect; the studio will feel the pressure from the fans, and change how she looks, until she looks something like…
Someone actually drew that.
All I know is that I’m petitioning for all animated characters to look less sexy. Next we should remove Pinky’s huge lab rat testicles. Years of animal testing will do that to you.