Hello, my name is Daniel, and I’m an alcoho-
Whoops. Wrong introduction. Let’s try that again.
Hello, my name is Daniel, and I am a god damn scaredy cat.
The last horror movie I watched was in 2003, when I saw a pirate copy of Gothika around friend’s house, and sprinted home the whole way, terrified Halle Berry was after me. (It seemed unlikely she’d be lurking in a cul-de-sac in Essex, but it’s better to be safe than sorry.)
In fact, when I spoke to the cast of The New Mutants, I straight up lied to their faces, and said I saw the movie and loved every second of it. I barely saw the trailer because I was so scared.
You may judge me, but after reading reviews for The New Mutants, who’s laughing now?
What I’m getting at here is that I personally find horror films the worst. I appreciate the work that goes into them, and that there’s a huge audience, but I cannot get on board with soiling myself six times during one film. I usually settle for a standard three to four soilings, thank you very much.
While Netflix goes into full spooky szn, that doesn’t mean you have to shy away from films for the entire month of October if you’re anything like me. Here’s 13 films that even the wimpiest of cinemagoer can handle…
The Addams Family (1991)
How could I do this listicle and not start with The Addams Family? With an incredibly spooky (and spookily incredible) Anjelica Huston taking the lead as Morticia Addams, this film is funny, silly, quick-witted, and – most importantly – not scary.
Well, unless you, like, have no thumbs and can’t click along to the opening title. That would be pretty scary.
No – it’s not a movie about what came out of John Lennon after he was shot*, but the title of an incredibly whacky and wild film which showcases one of Michael Keaton’s best performances to date. And if you wanted even more evidence of it being spooktacular, it’s a Tim Burton film. That man could remake The Little Mermaid and it would terrify me.
* Too dark?
I could watch Laika make a movie paint drying and still be mesmerised by it. Fortunately for everyone else, Laika’s Coraline is a lot more magical than that.
The stop-motion animation is beautiful and chilling at the same time, the performances are fantastic, and when it comes to an entertaining story for the whole family, this film’s right on the button. (You really have to have seen this in order for the pun to work. Sigh.)
Death Becomes Her (1992)
Do you want to see Meryl Streep shotgun Goldie Hawn into two? And then for Goldie Hawn to retaliate by stoving in Meryl Streep’s head with a shovel? And – most impressively – doing all of this while Bruce Willis has hair?
Then you’ve come to the right place.
I can’t even begin to imagine how many times we can expect to see Tim Burton on this list. I feel like I could really enjoy watching a Halloween film with him… As long as all of the lights were on and it was about midday and I had four soft teddies by me at all times.
Another stop-motion picture, Frankenweenie tells an incredibly tale, of a young Victor Frankenstein who jolts his recently deceased dog, Sparky, back from the dead. And yes, this is a Disney film. If only Simba had the same technology.
Not to be confused with the 2016 Ghostbusters remake – because, let’s face it, that is scary – the original is one of the funniest classic movies from the 80s, boasting a scene-stealing Bill Murray.
Hocus Pocus (1993)
Sure, Hocus Pocus isn’t the greatest film in the world. It won’t be winning any Oscars anytime soon – mainly because it was released 17 years ago; I can’t see the Academy recognising it all of a sudden), but…
It’s just a bit of fun for the family, and with Bette Midler, Sarah Jessica Parker and Kathy Najimy leading, it’s an enjoyable watch. Let director, Kenny Ortega off; he’s already directed the incredible High School Musical 3: Senior Year. What more do you want?!
The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)
This may be in the same dispute as whether or not it’s a Christmas film with Die Hard. (And, if you want to know, no – Die Hard is not a Christmas film.)
But that doesn’t stop the – you guessed it – Tim Burton-produced The Nightmare Before Christmas from being a beautiful, musical Halloween romp too.
The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975)
Have you ever been to a wedding? Or out for that matter? Because if so, you’d have danced to ‘Time Warp’, thanks to The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
While it’s exceptionally flamboyant and glittery, this cult classic also has a warm story. Plus, Meat Loaf singing on a fucking motorbike.
Scary Movie (2000)
Can I just take a moment to slander my mother and father? I was seven when this film was released. Let that sink in.
Nonetheless, Scary Movie did aid me in my life; this crude parody of Scream, The Blair Witch Project and other iconic horror movies just helped me pretend I’d seen all of those films, instead of peeing myself the second I turned on the television and running to my bed. Wait. What?
Shaun of the Dead (2004)
Shaun of the Dead substitutes its scares for slapstick humour and all-round wit, in one of the many incredible Simon-Pegg-Nick-Frost-Edgar-Wright triumphs.
Any film that shows an old man being bludgeoned to death by a group of blood-stained 30-somethings to the music of Queen is a winner in my books.
What We Do In The Shadows (2015)
This film was very much the marijuana of movies for me, as it acted as a gateway drug and got me hooked on to Taika Waititi. (I never thought I’d compare an Academy Award winner to heroin, but here we are.)
If I said that it was one of the smartest, most unique, funniest films I’ve ever seen, I’d be downplaying it. Now after I’ve said all of that, will you be my mate, Taika?!
It’s a movie about zombies starring Woody Harrelson and Emma Stone. WHY WOULDN’T YOU WATCH IT?!