I’m not one to pick fights with blokes who look like they take dumps bigger than my entire body.
Hell, I’m not one to pick fights at all. I know my strengths, and I know my weakness. Now, if you want to go against me in a thrilling battle of Sudoku, then I’m your guy.
Above is one of the many reasons I feel my hands getting clammier with every character I type about the best and, more worryingly, the worst films of wrestler-turned-actor, Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Mr. The Rock, know that while I think you’re one of the most charismatic, talented entertainers out there, no amount of charm can possibly redeem the sodding The Scorpion King.
Fighting with My Family (2019)
What I know about wrestling, you couldn’t write on a postage stamp. Why? Because I know literally nothing about wrestling. You couldn’t physically write anything on said stamp.
Yet, when I saw Fighting with My Family, I was surprised by how warm, cliché-free and just excellent the film was. Not only did Dwayne produce the film, but he had an hilarious cameo. (Maybe that’ll soften the blow for when I slag off The Scorpion King?)
Furious 7 (2015)
Most of the Fast & Furious films blur into one for me. After all, I’m sat here in a pink jumper listening to Carly Rae Jepsen’s ‘Call Me Maybe’. Who knew films about illegal street racing wouldn’t be my priority?
And yet, Furious 7 is one of the standouts. The Rock continues to prove he is the best action star out there, to day, in a fun, wild and definitely moving instalment in the franchise.
There was something so egotistical about hearing Dwayne Johnson sing ‘You’re Welcome’ repeatedly. Well, that’s what I thought until I saw Moana.
Now, all you can do is thank him for delivering a stellar performance as Maui (with the catchiest Disney song since ‘Let It Go’). Moana is gorgeous and deep, with a properly fleshed out princess.
The Other Guys (2010)
Whilst I love the man, you’d have been excused for thinking I mistakenly put a Will Ferrell movie in ‘The Hits’ as opposed to ‘The Sh*ts’.
From Dwayne’s chemistry with co-stars Will, Samuel L. Jackson and Mark Wahlberg, to his slapstick, hilarious demise, The Rock’s appearance is just one of the many, many hilarious moments.
If you know me, there’s two things I like – stupid gags and free things. So when I was gifted Baywatch to review, you’d have thought I’d have been in my element. You’d have thought wrong.
Unfortunately, this adaptation takes its source material, adds weird, slow-motion jiggling boobs and swear words, and leaves none of the fun, camp appeal of the original. Dwayne Johnson was, admittedly, the only saving grace. (Maybe that’ll soften the blow for when I slag off The Scorpion King?)
The Scorpion King (2002)
Lord. Have. Mercy. I don’t even know if I’m typing coherently, after I doused my eyes in bleach, following the time I watched The Scorpion King.
Don’t get me wrong – from brie to camembert – I love cheese, but this is just too cheesy. Where do I begin? The lame jokes? The predictable storyline? Or the god-awful, Satan-beckoning special effects?
I understand what Hollywood were trying to do – they came up with the totally original concept of a bald hero defending his life in a towering skyscraper against terrorists.
Yet, not even Dwayne could save Skyscraper, as he musters up all of his acting prowess to deliver Academy Award dialogue such as “This is stupid!” It still gets me to this day.
The Tooth Fairy (2010)
For reasons as to why this film is dreadful, please see the image below.