If there’s one thing you should know about me, it’s that I like cheap and/or free things. (Actually, if there’s only one thing you should know about me, it’s that I’m STI-free, or something similar, but that doesn’t help this piece flow as well as I hoped.)

I like cheap things so much, I bought this site on a whim. I don’t even care for movies at all; I just saw the domain going cheap and bought it. Just. Like. That.

So when I was gifted a copy of Baywatch on Blu-ray a month before its retail release, I was stoked. Although, upon watching it, I probably shouldn’t have been.

From the very opening sequence; where a rippling, wet, steamy, McDreamy and all-round cute as shit Dwayne Johnson bursts out of the ocean carrying a rescuee, dolphins jump in the air and bump bellies, and the word ‘Baywatch’ explodes onto the screen. This is a movie not to be taking too seriously… Mainly because it appears to be 21 Jump Street’s identical twin who was abandoned outside a fire station late at night.

Following the footsteps of the series’ over-the-top storyline, the big screen picture follows Dwayne Johnson’s adaptation of Mitch Buchannon, as he tries to clear the beach from a wave of drugs. He’s not alone, however – he’s joined by former-Olympian, Matt Brody (Zac Efron) as well as, erm… The girl who says things. And then there’s the girl whose boobs jiggle. And then the other girl whose boobs jiggle. Needless to say, the three women share one funny line during the near-two hour runtime. BUT THEY HAVE BOOBS, SO… Yeah.

The comic relief tends to come in the form of Jon Bass, who plays the goofy, squealing Ronnie. Opening the film by getting his dick stuck in a beach chair (lol?) and singing naked to Katy Perry, where would Jon’s character escalate to? What lengths of comedic legend will Ronnie reach? Apparently he flops out after a less-than-smirk-worthy breakdance for Priyanka Chopra. After the party scene, Ronnie is used to make a smirk or a gurn. That’s it. BUT HE HAS A WILLY, SO… Yeah. (It’s an issue when you let a horny teenager write a Hollywood blockbuster, isn’t it? Let me write one, already. I’m the horniest.)

While I warm to some characters, at times, Priyanka’s ruthless businesswoman – the villain of the piece – just leaves me cold. There’s no real explanation as to why she’s so evil, and in this comedy, she doesn’t have a single funny line. I’m not saying she should be doing some stand-up routines, but if she, say, took note from The Lion King, and groaned at the incompetency of her goons, I might not dart to make a cuppa tea when she comes on the screen. And I don’t even drink tea. I got through so many teabags unnecessarily.

Dwayne Johnson makes a good attempt to save the movie, but who is really impressed with the screenplay? Like, we all know the f-word, don’t we? Does every character need to drop it so frequently? “FUCK ME! It’s a wave!” “FUCK YOU! It’s some sand!” You’re on a fucking beach. What do you fucking expect? Great. Now I’m fucking doing it.

What would David and Pamela think of their legacy being tarnished with a so-so comedy? You might know if their cameos weren’t reduced to a role literally anybody could have filled. David’s proved his humour, with the likes of his own mockumentary, Hoff The Record, so it was a shame to see his appearance not even attempt a laugh, except for him questioning The Rock’s choice of shoe. Seriously. That was the highlight of the Hoff’s.

The Baywatch Blu-ray does include an extended version, adding an extra five minutes to the theatrical cut – if you really want that. I doubt it. There are the usual suspects when it comes to special features, including interviews with the cast, a glimpse at the training involved, and a look back at continuing the legacy of the series, as well as deleted and extended scenes. ‘Cause why wouldn’t you want more dicks and boobs?! LOOOOL 2k17 TURN DOWN FOR WHAT?!

I hate to say it, but Johnson was the only real redeemable figure in this picture, so while Baywatch is available for digital download from September 21, and available on DVD and Blu-ray from September 25 – in the words of the Hoff – I won’t be there, I won’t be ready.