There are very few things I get really, really, really excited about. Sure, there’s Christmas Day. And Christmas Eve. And I get really excited about holidays. And days off work. I actually get quite excited about days at work, too. I get excited about dinner, and breakfast. Lunch is enjoyable too. I get excited by chocolate. And new video games. And hair cuts.
Okay, I get excited by a lot. So sue me. But I’ve never been more excited by anything that the announcement that Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse is getting a sequel due for a release in – sigh – 2022.
Writer of the original, Phil Lord, shared a teaser to his 69,605 Twitter followers stating the sequel’s release date, and EVEN IF IT IS THREE FUCKING YEARS AWAY, I can’t wait. No. Seriously. I can’t wait. Can someone do something about this, already?
Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse was set in a shared multiverse, and saw several different iteration of Spidey, including Gwen Stacy and Spider-Ham, an anthropomorphic spider, who was bitten by a radioactive pig. Of course.
So, with the sequel quickly approaching, I’m taking a look at all of the possible Spider-Men which could (and should) appear.
Spider-Punk
Spider-Man is undoubtedly cool. He is great with a quick quip, and anyone who can look as flawless as he does in a tight-fitting costume is an icon in my eyes. If I were to wear that suit, I’d look like someone crammed cream cheese into a pair of leggings.
There’s only one way Spider-Man could get any cooler, and that’s by arming him with an electric guitar. Spider-Punk, whose real alias is Hobie Brown, started a revolution against Norman Osborn’s system. But who cares about that when he has a spiked mohican and a ripped denim vest? That guy’s dope.
Spider-UK
I mean, this guy is exactly the same as the original Spider-Man, except for the fact he’s British. And, erm… Nope. That’s it. He’s British. That is all.
The main reason I’m dying to see Billy Braddock’s alternate version of the web-slinger, Spider-UK, in the sequel is purely selfish. I want to be in this film. Cast me, Sony Pictures. I can speak in a British accent. I’ve been doing it for 26 years now; I’m pretty good at it.
Or, y’know, if you really want to go meta, why not hire Andrew Garfield, a British actor, to reprise his Spider-role, and hit home with several self-referential gags. That’s if you wanna be lazy and opt for the Academy Award nominee. Sheesh.
Cyborg Spider-Man
I take back everything I said about Spider-Punk; the only way to make Spider-Man cooler is to rip one of his eyeballs out, and tear off his left arm, and replace them with robotics.
I can’t help but feel the original Into the Spider-Verse would have been over a lot quicker had they have had Cyborg Spider-Man on their side. “Oh, Kingpin’s destroying the world with his Super-Collider? Sick. I’ll just zap him with my lazer-beam eyeballs. Pew. Pew. Yep. Done. Now what?”
Bombastic Bag Man Spider-Man
I regularly sign petitions to cast Shia LaBeouf in every film ever made. And who better to play the Bombastic Bag Man version of Spidey than this guy?
Why wouldn’t you want a Spider-Man in your film who only wears a paper bag on his head? I honestly don’t know why, but – but it just needs to be in the film. HE HAS A PAPER BAG ON HIS HEAD. IT’S GOING TO BE THE GREATEST SCENE IN CINEMA SINCE SCARFACE’S LITTLE FRIEND!
Spooderman
The image above is all I have to say on the matter.
Superior Spider-Man
Superior Spider-Man isn’t a Spidey who just looks down on everyone because they have only seen the The Lord of the Rings films, but not read the books.
In fact, Superior Spider-Man is actually Doctor Octopus – one of the many great characters in Spider-Verse – in Peter Parker’s body… Which almost sounds as creepy as this GIF looks, out of context.
Superior Spider-Man uses his armies of henchmen for good, this time, and that is something that we need to see on the big screen. Even if the animators want to genuinely murder me for even suggesting it.