Hitman: Agent 47. Super Mario Bros. Ratchet and Clank. These are all examples of when Hollywood makes a shitty movie out of a great video game property. Surely that wouldn’t happen to Sonic the Hedgehog however.
In December, the first marketing material for the live-action adaptation of the blue Erinaceinae* surfaced, to mixed reviews. From his bulging, veiny legs that look like he’d cripple you if he accidentally stood on your foot, to his horrifying eyes that scream “Have you got any more meth?”, it was apparent that this could be a bad video game adaptation. Surely it wouldn’t happen though.
* It’s a scientific word – don’t believe me? Look it up!)
And then these illustrations of Sonic were leaked. Why the fuck have you gotta do this to me? After I tried hyping you up; reassuring everyone that this wasn’t going to be a steaming pile of furry, blue crap?
What seems to be a style guide for the upcoming live-action Sonic the Hedgehog movie was leaked, showing the character to look less like a hedgehog and more like the love child between a Sulley and the Babadook.
Upon closer inspection, you’ll note his lack of gloves – instead, he now has over-sized hairy knuckles in a totally different shade of fur to the rest of his body, as if he slammed his fists into bleach, just to numb the pain of being so frigging hideous.
The style guide also pin-pointed a few characteristic of this incarnation of Sonic – of whom is set to be played by comedian Ben Schwartz. This Sonic is said to be heroic, confident, chill, likable, mischievous and sarcastic; all of which – if you saw on a bloke’s Tinder profile – would make you scream “TWAT” and blend your phone, so not to see him ever again.
Before I smash my laptop and go on a nationwide hedgehog cull, I’ll show you some of the greatest reactions to the internet. I’ll go chill and watch the Warcraft movie – that’s bound to be good.
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