Here’s Who’d Win An Oscar If None Of The Nominees Were Nominated

Don’t judge me – I’ve already booked Oscar-day off of work, so I can stay up until the wee hours of the morning, in nothing but soiled pants and coated in Doritos crumbs. Okay… Maybe judge a tad.

I’m just so damn hyped for the 90th Academy Awards.

But what if we were living in an alternate universe? What if Jerry chased Tom? What if I were actually good at wooing the opposite sex? And what if the likes of The Shape of Water and Dunkirk weren’t nominated for the golden lads?

Best Picture

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This year has seen some incredible, astonishing, thrilling movies. And that one about effin’ emojis. So choosing a few nominees for the Best Picture was no easy task. But then again, if I told you the actual Academy chose a film that features a romance between Sally Hawkins and a stinky fish-man, you’d happy slap me.

  • The Big Sick
  • I, Tonya
  • All The Money In The World
  • Baby Driver
  • The Florida Project
  • Wonder Woman
  • Molly’s Game
  • Mudbound

Best Director

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I really admire the directors in this category. Firstly, they’ve created some exceptional pieces of cinema this year. I also admire them because about 60% of them have nigh-on impossible names to spell. Cheers for making me type them out, lads.

  • Martin McDonagh – Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri
  • Denis Villeneuve – Blade Runner 2049
  • Luca Guadagnino – Call Me Be Your Name
  • Ridley Scott – All The Money In The World
  • Steven Spielberg – The Post

Best Actor

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URGH. Even if Tom Hanks was absolute dog-turd in a movie, I’d nominate him. He’s the greatest man alive. Heck, if he literally played a pile of canine excrement, I’d nominate him. (Maybe that’s why the Academy won’t return my calls?)

  • James Franco – The Disaster Artist
  • Tom Hanks – The Post
  • Jake Gyllenhaal – Stronger
  • Matt Damon – Downsizing
  • Christian Bale – Hostiles

Best Actress

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Unless you’ve been living under a god-damn rock – a rock that’s on the moon, for that matter – some of these women have had a pretty rough year. I kinda wanna give Michelle the Oscar just for putting up with the shitty All The Money In The World lack of money reshoot debacle. (Okay, that’s not a catchy title, but go with it.)

  • Jessica Chastain – Molly’s Game
  • Judi Dench – Victoria & Abdul
  • Michelle Williams – All The Money In The World
  • Emma Stone – Battle of the Sexes
  • Helen Mirren – The Leisure Seeker

Best Supporting Actor

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  • Armie Hammer – Call Me By Your Name
  • Michael Stuhlbarg – Call Me By Your Name
  • Jason Mitchell – Mudbound
  • Mark Rylance – Dunkirk
  • Will Poulter – Detroit

Best Supporting Actress

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  • Holly Hunter – The Big Sick
  • Vicky Krieps – The Phantom Thread
  • Tiffany Haddish – Girls Trip
  • Brooklynn Prince – The Florida Project
  • Hong Chau – Downsizing

Best Animated Feature

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  • The LEGO Batman Movie
  • My Life as a Zucchini
  • Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie
  • Despicable Me 3

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