Here’s Who’d Win An Oscar If None Of The Nominees Were Nominated

Don’t judge me – I’ve already booked Oscar-day off of work, so I can stay up until the wee hours of the morning, in nothing but soiled pants and coated in Doritos crumbs. Okay… Maybe judge a tad.

I’m just so damn hyped for the 90th Academy Awards.

But what if we were living in an alternate universe? What if Jerry chased Tom? What if I were actually good at wooing the opposite sex? And what if the likes of The Shape of Water and Dunkirk weren’t nominated for the golden lads?

Best Picture


This year has seen some incredible, astonishing, thrilling movies. And that one about effin’ emojis. So choosing a few nominees for the Best Picture was no easy task. But then again, if I told you the actual Academy chose a film that features a romance between Sally Hawkins and a stinky fish-man, you’d happy slap me.

  • The Big Sick
  • I, Tonya
  • All The Money In The World
  • Baby Driver
  • The Florida Project
  • Wonder Woman
  • Molly’s Game
  • Mudbound

Best Director


I really admire the directors in this category. Firstly, they’ve created some exceptional pieces of cinema this year. I also admire them because about 60% of them have nigh-on impossible names to spell. Cheers for making me type them out, lads.

  • Martin McDonagh – Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri
  • Denis Villeneuve – Blade Runner 2049
  • Luca Guadagnino – Call Me Be Your Name
  • Ridley Scott – All The Money In The World
  • Steven Spielberg – The Post

Best Actor


URGH. Even if Tom Hanks was absolute dog-turd in a movie, I’d nominate him. He’s the greatest man alive. Heck, if he literally played a pile of canine excrement, I’d nominate him. (Maybe that’s why the Academy won’t return my calls?)

  • James Franco – The Disaster Artist
  • Tom Hanks – The Post
  • Jake Gyllenhaal – Stronger
  • Matt Damon – Downsizing
  • Christian Bale – Hostiles

Best Actress


Unless you’ve been living under a god-damn rock – a rock that’s on the moon, for that matter – some of these women have had a pretty rough year. I kinda wanna give Michelle the Oscar just for putting up with the shitty All The Money In The World lack of money reshoot debacle. (Okay, that’s not a catchy title, but go with it.)

  • Jessica Chastain – Molly’s Game
  • Judi Dench – Victoria & Abdul
  • Michelle Williams – All The Money In The World
  • Emma Stone – Battle of the Sexes
  • Helen Mirren – The Leisure Seeker

Best Supporting Actor


  • Armie Hammer – Call Me By Your Name
  • Michael Stuhlbarg – Call Me By Your Name
  • Jason Mitchell – Mudbound
  • Mark Rylance – Dunkirk
  • Will Poulter – Detroit

Best Supporting Actress


  • Holly Hunter – The Big Sick
  • Vicky Krieps – The Phantom Thread
  • Tiffany Haddish – Girls Trip
  • Brooklynn Prince – The Florida Project
  • Hong Chau – Downsizing

Best Animated Feature


  • The LEGO Batman Movie
  • My Life as a Zucchini
  • Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie
  • Despicable Me 3

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