What were you doing in 2013?
I, as a Londoner, was still basking in the glory of the 2012 Olympics – one of the most incredible, awe-inspiring moments I had ever witnessed.
Hell, there was a lot to celebrate about 2013 – it was even the International Year of Quinoa. What more could you want?
Hollywood spoiled us with the likes of Her, Locke, Blue Jasmine and Prisoners. It then swiftly punched us in the throat with Movie 43; a film that is so abysmal that you can watch the whole thing on YouTube for free, and YouTube just doesn’t care. It hasn’t attempted to take it down.
It’s just like “Whatever. What’s the point? Is anyone even searching for this anymore?”
At the time of writing, Movie 43 is exactly eight years old, and no matter how much therapy I sit through, I still cannot get over this damn stat-studded pile of trash.
For those of you fortunate enough to have never inflicted the pain of Movie 43 upon yourself, note that the following 43 moments from Movie 43 all actually happened. I wish they didn’t. I really do. But they did.
- Dennis Quaid informs Greg Kinnear that – whilst in a car with Isabella Rossellini – he had to drive with his head out of the window because of her persistent farts.
- Kate Winslet meets Hugh Jackman on a first date, only to find he has a pair of testicles on under his chin.
- Hugh Jackman then proceeds to rest them on a baby’s head.
- Hugh Jackman accidentally dips them into a bowl of thick soup.
- Hugh Jackman soon gets cold, as his neck testicles retract into his neck.
- Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber home-school their son, and in order to give him the full experience, call him a “faggot” and “fuck face”.
- Naomi Watts helps instigate her son’s first kiss, with her.
- Liev Schreiber comes out as gay and confesses he has romantic feelings towards his son.
- Anna Faris asks her then-husband, Chris Pratt, to “poop” on her.
- J.B. Smoove compares ‘shitting’ and ‘pooping’, saying that “Shitting is something you do on a whore.”
- J.B. Smoove also refers to laxatives as “poop Viagra”.
- There is a lengthy scene where Chris Pratt eats tacos on the toilet.
- Chris Pratt utters the words “Roll over and let me shit on you,” to Anna Faris.
- Chris Pratt gets hit by a car, causing human excrement to explode all over the place.
- Kieran Culkin and Emma Stone participate in an X-rated conversation in a supermarket, only to accidentally broadcast it via the store’s PA.
- Emma Stone utters the words “You look like the kid who got cancer for Christmas,” to Kieran Culkin.
- Kieran Culkin fingers Emma Stone’s mouth.
- Emma Stone also utters the words “Do you still like fingers in your butt hole?” to Kieran Culkin.
- Uma Thurman, as Lois Lane, explains that after she broke up with Superman, he now floats outside her window whilst masturbating.
- Uma Thurman compares Superman’s jizz to “a shotgun blast”.
- Jason Sudeikis, as Batman, hides underneath a table looking up Kristen Bell’s Supergirl’s skirt.
- Jason Sudeikis refers to Kristen Bell’s vagina as “a giant cornfield,” saying that he feels like “Shoeless Joe Jackson is going to walk out and ask me to have catch.”
- Jason Sudeikis also says “Bush that size is good for only one thing, and that thing is hiding a wang.”
- Richard Gere conducts a meeting with his staff, as teenage boys are trying to have sex with their product, the iBabe, an MP3 player shaped like a naked woman.
- This is a problem as engineers placed a fan in the MP3’s vagina, causing teenage boys to get their penises ripped apart.
- Richard Gere sincerely says “Other MP3 players don’t have warnings not to have sex with them.”
- Jack McBrayer, one of Gere’s staff, introduces a special version of the iBabe, which is a Black woman.
- Richard Gere touches the iBabe and gets his fingers slashed by the fan in the iBabe’s vagina.
- Chloë Grace Moretz gets her period whilst making out with a boy on his sofa, only to leave a trail of blood on his sofa and wall.
- There is a very graphic Tampax advert featuring a girl getting eaten by a shark due to her menstruating.
- Johnny Knoxville captures a leprechaun, played by Gerard Butler.
- Gerard Butler asks if Johnny Knoxville wants the “lights on or off when [he] fucks [Johnny] with a pair of rusty scissors.”
- Gerard Butler also demands Johnny lick his “Irish taint”.
- Johnny Knoxville informs his roommate, Sean William Scott, that he also caught a fairy who performs fellatio for gold coins.
- Halle Berry asks Stephen Merchant if he’s circumcised.
- Stephen Merchant performs a very aggressive lap dance for strangers.
- Halle Berry mixes guacamole with her bare breast.
- Stephen Merchant gets a tattoo of an ejaculating penis on his cheek.
- Halle Berry squeezes hot sauce into her vagina using a turkey baster.
- Stephen Merchant gets plastic surgery to make himself look like an Asian man.
- Elizabeth Banks interrupts an animated cat masturbating to pictures of Josh Duhamel.
- The animated cat urinates over Elizabeth Banks.
- Elizabeth Banks is finally murdered by a bunch of children.