Today, I took half a day off of work to catch up on some important life admin.
I didn’t do any of that, unfortunately. Instead, I watched The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run. I even watched a certain scene twice because I accidentally dozed off at one point.
It’s not SpongeBob’s finest outing; the final act is so mind-numbingly boring, and that is something I never thought I’d say when talking about an anthropomorphic yellow sponge who wears chinos.
But it does boast a gorgeous animation style, some rather funny set pieces, and – most importantly for this blog – a whole load of celebrity cameos. (If it didn’t, this article would be very short.)
From the worst to best, here’s a complete list of the best, and frankly, bleach-drinking-inducing celebrity appearances in the new Netflix animation.
Snoop Dogg
There was a time when Snoop Dogg was a genuinely well-respected rapper, amongst his fans, peers and critics. He sang the lyrics “I’m a bad boy, with a lot of hoes.”
Now, he’s the face of Just Eat, an online takeaway service. At least with that, I can see why – he must get, like, free Burger King for the rest of his days. I’d phone in a dreadful rap for that.
What I’ll never understand is why the 15-time GRAMMY Award nominee would pretend to be a zombie cowboy pirate to a pink, animated star. What does he get from this? Free tickets to Universal Studios? (Okay, I’d also phone in a dreadful rap for that, too.)
Tiffany Haddish
Tiffany Haddish was, without a doubt, the best part of Girls Trip. She stole every single scene in that. Even scenes she wasn’t in. Frankly, I don’t know how she did it.
Tiffany Haddish was, I think, in a scene in The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run. The comedian simply appeared so the writers could use the pun* Tiffany Haddock. And, well, that was it…
* I use the term ‘pun’ rather fast and loosely.
Awkwafina
I believe Awkwafina was robbed of an Academy Award nomination for her starring role in The Farewell. Luckily, I won’t be having the same concerns for her appearance as Otto, the robot.
I can’t blame Awkwafina for taking on the role; it must be an actor’s dream to appear in a SpongeBob movie, but not only was her voice warped and distorted to make her sound, obviously, like a mechanic robot, but it was such an unnecessary role to the plot.
Reggie Watts
Y’know. Reggie was in this film. I didn’t hate it. I didn’t love it. So… That’s it.
Danny Trejo
Let’s face it; Danny Trejo can do no wrong. When my girlfriend spends ten minutes a week playing Animal Crossing, I will sulk for at least six times longer than that.
I have, however, spent several hours watching Danny play Animal Crossing, much to my enjoyment.
In true Danny Trejo style, he plays El Diablo, a spiritual pirate entity who can shoot lasers from his eyes. In The SpongeBob Movie, he goes full Danny Trejo, and I’m here for it.
Matt Berry
This is the second time Matt Berry has appeared in a SpongeBob SquarePants movie, following his appearance as Bubbles in The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water.
Sure, he’s done it before. And sure, it’s not technically a cameo, as Matt plays the antagonist of the film, but… THIS IS MY BLOG. I CAN DO WHAT I WANT.
Matt’s Poseidon is one of the funniest characters in the whole film, and the only redeeming quality in the whole final act. Did I mention how many litres of Toilet Duck I nearly drank during those scenes?
Keanu Reeves
2020 has been fucking dire. But Keanu Reeves play an omnipotent tumbleweed chatting to Patrick Star kinda saves it.
The John Wick star plays Sage, who is aptly a sage as well as a sage. (It works better when it’s not written out.) This character is wild, and silly, and funny, and it’s for his performance, alone, that this film is actually worth watching.