2018 was a pretty rough year for me. What with Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse and Spider-Man on PS4 both being released within the space of a few months, my sanity took a hit.
I used 13 rolls of tape and two bottles of super-glue to stick myself to the ceiling, and – much like the past three months – I refused to go anywhere without wearing my mask.
As I lay back on my sofa, like I’m in a therapist’s office, know that I fear this may happen again, as DC have just announced a Suicide Squad film and video game.
Director James Gunn announced his Suicide Squad follow-up at DC Comic’s FanDome, which has the wild name of… The Suicide Squad, and boasts a cast including Margot Robbie, Viola Davis, Idris Elba and John Cena.
The less hardcore Batman fans may know Harley Quinn, and the unfortunate souls who watched 2016’s Suicide Squad will have been introduced to Captain Boomerang, but here’s who’s who in the (hopefully) fucking brilliant The Suicide Squad.
Amanda Waller
Viola Davis’ Amanda Waller was the best thing about Suicide Squad. But, then again, that’s like saying the attention you get is the best thing about diabetes.
Despite having no superpowers, Amanda Waller is one of the more ruthless characters in the universe; she is one of the more feared members of the US law enforcement. (And, probably Donald Trump’s sexual fantasy, what with her nickname being ‘The Wall’.)
Colonel Rick Flag
With a name like Rick Flag, you can only really become an elite soldier, couldn’t you? The only more American name I know is Uncle Sam IHOP.
Rick Flag began as a fighter pilot, and then became the leader of the Suicide Squad, after going on a series of suicide missions. His first suicide mission would be starring in the original Suicide Squad.
Savant
Teaming up with James Gunn again, Michael Rooker stars as Savant, a super-smart, super-rich expert fighter. Think of Batman, but with less of a gruff voice, and more luscious, white locks.
Savant began as an enemy of the Birds of Prey, much like the hundreds of man-babies on Twitter who moaned that the film, Birds of Prey, just wasn’t sexy enough. FFS.
Javelin
Having began as an Olympic athlete, Javelin decided to use his – you guessed it – javelin throwing abilities for evil. (We should be watching Usain Bolt. His powers are not human. You heard it here first.)
Harley Quinn
If you haven’t seen Margot Robbie’s portrayal of Harleen Quinzel, you’re hurting nobody but yourself.
Much like myself, the flamboyant super-villain, Harley has heightened strength, agility and endurance. (Who am I kidding? I’m out of breath just typing this sentence.)
Polka-Dot Man
I – I don’t even know where to begin with this. Polka Dot Man quite literally rips the dots off of his suit, and transforms them into weapons and vehicles like flying saucers. No. Seriously.
David Dastmalchian previously appeared in The Dark Knight playing the escaped Arkham prisoner Thomas Schiff.
Ratcatcher 2
A lot of my favourite movies are sequels, like Back to the Future Part II and Paddington 2, so, naturally, Ratcatcher 2 will be my favourite villain in the series.
Daniela Melchior’s Ratcatcher 2 has the ability to communicate with rats (both sewer rodents and Harvey Weinstein), and uses the poison gasses of a pest exterminator.
Bloodsport
James Gunn boasted that no-one has correctly guessed who Idris Elba would be playing in The Suicide Squad.
That genuinely surprises me – who didn’t expect Idris to play Bloodsport, a huge, hunky bloke armed with high-tech guns and weaponry. Have you not seen Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw? He looks, quite literally, exactly the same.
King Shark
Do you really need any explanation as to who King Shark could be? He’s a shark. Who’s a king. That’s about it.
His father was God of all Sharks, and his mother was a human being, which is a worse image than 2 Girls 1 Cup, in my opinion. At least I don’t have a huge phobia of sharks. (EDIT: I do have a huge fucking phobia of sharks. James, do me a favour and replace King Shark with a character called, I don’t know, King Marshmallow.)
Mongal
Mongal is an alien conqueror, who has, in the past, gone as far as attempting to kill Superman.
And, by the looks of this press image, Mongal also goes to the same tanning salon as Christine from my office.
Thinker
Peter Capaldi’s genius inventor Thinker uses a Thinking Cap to allow him to harness the power of telekinesis and telepathy.
I also assume he can pick up iMessages and BBC with that Cap, too.
Sol Soria
Blackguard
Whilst Blackguard is quite a dim-witted supervillain, that doesn’t stop him from having some of the most powerful weapons in the Suicide Squad.
Blackguard has a lethal power suit, an energy shield and super-strength. Plus, he also looks like Pete Davidson, and that’s a pretty cool claim to fame.
T.D.K.
Weasel
You’ve got to feel sorry for Sean Gunn, haven’t you? His whole CV must say “Rodent” on it. That’s it. Having performed motion capture work for Rocket Racoon in Gunn’s Guardians of the Galaxy, he finally got promoted to a better rodent, Weasel.
Captain Boomerang
Jai Courtney’s Captain Boomerang returns for The Suicide Squad, and sees him play an Australian thug who uses a series of high-tech boomerangs to commit crimes. (And yet, somehow, Polka-Dot Man is still the weirdest villain in this roster.)
Peacemaker
John Cena compared his character, Peacemaker, as a “douchey Captain America”, as he loves peace so much that he’s even going to go as far as killing for it.