I like to think I’m cool. After all, I can recite every first generation Pokémon easily.
But I’m not Johnny “Guinness World Record holder, friend of Tim Burton, official Disney Legend, Alice Cooper and Joe Perry’s bandmate” Depp levels of cool, am I?
I never will be, and that’s just something I have to maturely deal with. That, or I could just moan about some of his worst films?
There. That’ll show him, the silly three-time Oscar nominated millionaire. Who’s laughing now?!
You’d be forgiven for not associating Johnny Depp with a great sense of humour. In fact, the first thing I think of when I hear that name is cool glasses, cooler hair and smelling of sweet, sweet Dior. (None of those resemble me. I just stink.)
And yet, in Ed Wood, Depp proves he is hilarious – claiming he wears women’s underwear was both a highlight and a weird turn-on for me. In this film, Depp’s Ed Wood makes some of cinema’s worst films… Like Mortdecai.
Essentially, what I’m trying to say here is that any film Johnny Depp stars in where he plays the titular character named Ed, it’ll be a hit. If Mortdecai was called Edward, I’d have loved it.
For the first time in a long-list of Burton-Depp collaborations, Depp is absolutely heartbreaking as a Frankenstein’s Monster-esque figure, who simply wants to be loved. Johnny’s subtle, emotional performance is perfect.
Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
I mean, Johnny Depp was just born to play this role, wasn’t he? I even sit through the god awful sequels, just for Johnny Depp. He could appear only as a post-credit scene in Pirates of the Caribbean 5, and it would be more than worth the £39,029 admission to the cinema.
You don’t get much more charming and fun than Depp’s portrayal of Jack Sparrow – sorry, Captain Jack Sparrow, do you? Plus, he alone has done the fancy dress costume industry a world of favours.
Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
I never thought I’d enjoy a musical about throat-slashing, cannibalism, revenge and murder – because I HATE musicals – but Johnny Depp is pretty damn hypnotic in Sweeney Todd.
What’s so great about this film is that it’s a dark comedy, thanks to Tim Burton’s bonkers direction and an incredible cast, including Helena Bonham Carter and Sacha Baron Cohen. (And yes, that did hurt my fingers typing all of those double-barrelled names.)
Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald
When I’m at the pub with mates, I like to pretend I’m smart. When the topic of politics comes up, I dash to the loo, quickly Google “politics” and try to remember what I read in the two minutes I’m in there. (I can’t stay there any longer – I don’t want my friends thinking I’m doing a poo, do I?)
It seems like that’s what the writers did for this film; quickly Googling “Harry Potter” and writing an entire film based on two sentences they saw. I never thought I’d say this about a film that befriends elves and has a magic broom, but… It was way too complex for my little mind.
Imagine Wes Anderson’s love-child with Austin Powers. Sure, it would be quirky and odd, but it would also be terrifying, ugly and just outright bad. And their love-child was also be called Mortdecai. (Mortdecai Anderson-Powers would be a great pornstar name, FYI.)
As soon as I saw this silly moustache, I knew this film would not be for may. May I suggest that you never take on detective roles again, Johnny?
WHAT DID I JUST SAY, JOHNNY? WHAT. DID. I. JUST. SAY?
Who in their right mind needed a film about gnomes? I can imagine this was for Alan Titchmarsh and no-one else. That’s it.
The Lone Ranger
This is from the same team who brought me Pirates of the Caribbean, an item I’d already sorted as a Hit, as opposed to a Sh*t? Well, I’ve come to the right place.
If said right place was boring, stupidly over-the-top and long. My god, my bum went so numb watching this, I couldn’t sit on a toilet for weeks. I had to go into a carrier bag. (And that’s my second excrement joke of this article. Good.)
That’s not to say that Johnny wasn’t enjoyable in this film; he was good alongside Armie Hammer, but… Two and a half hours of horse riding? There’s a reason there’s a quick travel on Red Dead Redemption 2, lads.