I want to start this entry with a confession… I’m 99% sure my girlfriend is cheating on me with some bloke called Tom Nook.
I don’t know who he is; apparently he has piercing blue eyes and a great collection of floral shirts. Frankly, I can’t compete with that. I’ve lost her for good.
What I do know, however, is that if I interrupt her whilst she’s playing Animal Crossing: New Horizons, she won’t talk to me until the next Bunny Day. Again, I’m just as confused as you are.
I haven’t actually seen my partner in, like, six-or-so days, and during the interim, I started scrolling through Twitter, only to see Academy Award winners also addicted to Animal Crossing.
This isn’t a cutesy listicle of the celebrities who enjoy building bridges out of apples and crying over flimsy apples – it’s a PSA, to remind you to sympathise for their friends and families who have lost them to that cold-hearted bitch, Isabelle…
I joked about not caring about Animal Crossing. It was just a joke; a poorly-informed, miscalculated joke. For that, I’m sorry.
Essentially, I’m backing out of my previous comments about the game after I found out that all-round hard man, Danny Trejo is actually a huge fan of the videogame.
The Machete star gave a tour of his island, including his own version of Muscle Beach, his taco stand and a pretty impressive butterfly collection. (I’m only praising all of this because I know even his Animal Crossing character could beat me in a fight.)
You wouldn’t believe how desperate I am to get a celebrity to notice me on social media. Or, at all, in fact.
I will create countless, pointless, lazy memes, tagging every A-lister under the sun, in the hope for a meaningless like, when – it turns out – all you have to do is sell some lousy turnips.
Star of The Lord of the Rings, Elijah Wood, slid into one Animal Crossing player’s DMs to ask if he could sell his turnips on her island, after she posted that the price on her village was 599 bells.
An exceptionally polite Elijah visited Jessa’s village, and asked if he could pick fruit, and applauded her as she danced around him. Naturally.
Before Elijah – who went by the name of Elwood within the game – left, he made sure to make one very powerful message; “long live rian johnson”, which the Knives Out director has now saved as his Twitter header image.
Is this the most Elijah Wood thing Elijah Wood could have done? Yes.
If you search ‘Brie Larson’ on Twitter, you’re going to find one of two things:
Idiotic man-babies who are crying about her appearing as Captain Marvel in the MCU, for reasons I will never, ever fucking fathom…
And Brie Larson posted about Animal Crossing. That’s it. That’s all she does. This stuff is like heroin to her. Inject flimsy axes directly into her toes.
Never have I seen such similarities between my girlfriend and Brie Larson as I did when the Room Academy Award-winner uttered the sentence “Who has iron nuggets they can give me?”
Since, Brie has shared several images to Twitter and Instagram of her playing on the Nintendo Switch, and even asked an interviewer from Elle to bring cherries to her ‘Dessert Island’, where they spent 15 minutes together.
Now, Brie Larson is asking fans to post photos of their time on Animal Crossing: New Horizons, so – sigh – I suppose I should attempt to pry the Switch from my girlfriend’s vice-like fingers in an attempt to befriend Brie, right?
Ben is known for starring as Sonic in the recent Sonic the Hedgehog live-action adaptation. Just don’t tell him that Animal Crossing is already home to a blue hedgehog called Mabel.
I couldn’t deal with the rivalry, frankly.
Speaking to his Twitter followers, the Parks and Recreation actor announced that he had given in to New Horizons. (I don’t know why I’m talking about it as if they video game is heroin.
Two hours later, and Ben was posting snaps of his character announcing that he was allergic to apples… On an island that predominately grows apples.
(Who has the guts to tell him that they’re just pixels, and not actually real, edible fruit?)