Yeah, Thor can pick up a hammer. Sure, Spider-Man can climb up walls. And Captain America has a shield and a cute butt. What do you want? The most successful film franchise of all time? Sheesh.
Of course, there’s one superhero that trumps all of those. I am talking about Arm-Fall-Off-Boy. (Seriously. He is a genuine superhero. Google it. And I thought I was bad at my job.)
And coming in in a close second is the sassiest super, Deadpool. With two hugely successful films, several video game appearances and an even cuter butt than Cap, I thought I should look at some of the best (and most questionable) merchandise for the Merc with a Mouth.
If you want to convert your house into a shrine to Ryan Reynolds – and, frankly, who doesn’t? – you’re welcome.
Deadpool as Bob Ross POP! Vinyl Figure
Did you watch Deadpool 2 and wince at the lack of The Joy of Painting references too? If I watch a film and a single tree hasn’t been painted, I automatically consider that movie a flop.
Which is why I breathed a sigh of relief when I found this bizarre POP! Vinyl Figure of Deadpool as Bob Ross. I’m still not sure if it’s to scale though – did Bob Ross used to have huge paintbrushes, or just teensy, tiny hands?
Deadpool Cutlery Holder
Do you want to know why I hated Ghost Rider?
While Nicholas Cage could literally set his head on fire, he couldn’t carry a single ladle in his skull. You decide which of the two of those is most useful.
Speaking of, you couldn’t possibly have a Deadpool themed holder, without having Deadpool themed cutlery, including this spatula, could you?
That would just look stupid.
Deadpool Custom LEGO Minifig
Do you remember the first time you played with a LEGO set, and immediately gave up because you missed a step in the construction 19 pages back?
Well, imagine that exact moment, but instead of joyful, yellow faces, there’s a blood-curdling, scarred, burnt face of Wade Wilson gazing back into you, in hollow, plastic form.
Deadpool Vape Stand
I don’t think the creators of this product understand the irony that the character of Deadpool literally had cancer.
Deadpool Bow Tie
For when you’ve got a business presentation to conduct at 7, and a chimichanga to neck at 8.
Deadpool Jelly Mould
Sometimes I just watch a film, and I love it so much that I just wish I could feast upon the leading star’s face.
Well, now you can, thanks to this Deadpool jelly mould.
Deadpool My Little Pony Figure
What do you get if Ryan Reynolds fucked a horse?
Either a horrific lawsuit, or…
Deadpool Sock Monkey
There’s something so innocent and pure about owning a sock monkey modelled on one of your favourite cinematic characters.
I only have one question – who did the socks used belong to originally, because this could get weird…
Deadpool Wedding Topper
Novelty wedding moments are some – if not the worst things to happen to humanity. Anyone that even contemplates doing a kooky first dance deserves a slap in the tits.
So unless you actually do intend on wedding Wade Wilson, do not buy a Deadpool cake topper for your marriage. And if you do, please revoke my invite to the wedding. I’ll only get drunk after two WKDs and slag the whole thing off.
Electric guitars are cool. Deadpool is cool.
Playing this Deadpool-themed electric guitar? I’ll let you decide how cool it is.