This is a public apology to my best friends, because… I want to dump you for Tom Holland. He is, undoubtedly, one of – if not the coolest person on the planet.
He can do about 82 backflips in a minute; his father has been on Never Mind the Buzzcocks; oh, and he also happens to be Spider-Man. Meanwhile, one of my best mates boasts that he has a lot of chest hair. I know who the really winner is here.
Which is why it’s safe to say that I’m beyond excited to see what movies Tom Holland has planned for the next few years. If only there was a list of all of his upcoming movies. Now where would I find one of those?
Spies In Disguise (2019)
In the MCU, Tom Holland plays a wise teen who’s savvy with Tony Stark’s tech, lending him the ability to create powerful suits strong enough to take down super villains.
In Spies In Disguise, Tom uses his tech to… Turn Will Smith into a pigeon. No. Really. That happens.
In the animated spy-comedy, Tom plays Walter Beckett, a socially awkward genius who creates gadgets, who accidentally transforms the world’s greatest spy, Lance Sterling (Smith) into a pigeon. Which is why you may see me in Leicester Square reciting the lyrics to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’s theme tune to the tonnes of flying-rats there. That, or Wetherspoons has a 2-for-1 offer on Purple Rain pitchers.
What does the internet really need now? A bromance for Tom Holland to be a part of. I just haven’t seen enough GIFs and memes with Tom and, say, Robert Downey, Jr. or Jake Gyllenhaal gushing over him, recently.
Which is why we’re fortunate enough to have him star alongside his Marvel pal, Chris Pratt, in the 22nd feature film by Pixar, Onward.
Tom and Chris star as elf brothers, Ian and Barley Lightfoot, in a world filled with trolls, goblins and gnomes. Or, as I refer to it, Tinder. The pair set off on a quest to try and restore the world’s magic, in an attempt to bring back their dead father. After Toy Story 4, Inside Out and Up, I’m shocked to my core that Pixar are going down the emotional root for this one.
The Voyage of Doctor Dolittle (2020)
After Tony Stark’s death in Avengers: Endgame, we can finally see an end of the love-fest between RDJ and Tom Holland, and – GOD DAMMIT. They’re starring in another movie together?! I suppose I best get my meme-liking finger ready.
Robert Downey, Jr. plays the titular Doctor Dolittle, a clinician who not only prefers his animal patients to his human ones, but soon learns he can speak to the creatures.
Tom voices Jip, a dog, alongside a stellar cast of voice actors, including Ralph Fiennes, Selena Gomez, Rami Malek, Emma Thompson, John Cena and Octavia Spencer.
And there’s not a single Eddie Murphy in sight.
Chaos Walking (2020)
Tom is set to star in a bold science-fiction thriller, Chaos Walking, which sees him play Todd Hewitt, a boy who has been brought up to believe all women have been killed.
That is until he discovers a Viola Eade played by Daisy Ridley, and the pair team up to discover the true history of the world they live in.
And just to make matters worse, in this New World, a virus has struck allowing people to hear peoples’ and animals’ thoughts. I swear, if this fiction does ever become a reality, you may want to avoid streaming my inner thoughts. For your sake.
The Devil All The Time (TBA)
I’m started to notice a trend here – team up Tom Holland with a hunk from Marvel’s Cinematic Universe, and make shit loads of money. The end.
In this indie picture, Chris Evans is to play a soldier who returns to his hometown in Ohio after returning from fighting in World War II, only to find his wife is diagnosed with cancer.
Meanwhile Tom plays his son, Arvin Russell, who grows up to be a vicious man, despite being raised with proper ideals. And yet, oddly, I still adore Tom. Why do you do this to me, kid?!
Why wouldn’t you be excited for this? Tom Holland’s playing one of video game’s greatest characters, Nathan Drake – a man who’s a cross between Indiana Jones (minus the whip) and Lara Croft (minus the pixelated, pointy digital knockers).
Tom is said to be playing a younger version of Nathan Drake than the one we’re used to in the Uncharted video game franchise, but is still set to be fighting bad guys, solving puzzles and letting off wise quips.
And if that doesn’t make you weak at the knees, Bryan Cranston is rumoured to be starring in an unknown-as-of-yet role. Hell, he could be playing a door, and I’d be sold.
Atlantis: The Lost Empire (TBA)
I don’t know if you’re aware, but Disney are said to be remaking their animated classics into live-action adaptations. But it’s been kept on the down-low, so if anyone asks, don’t tell them I’ve told you.
Disney is reportedly eyeing up Tom Holland to play the lead, Milo Thatch, in their remake of 2001 movie, Atlantis: The Lost Empire, who was previously voiced by Michael J. Fox.
While nothing has been confirmed as of yet, I will be petitioning to see Tom in another pair of thick, round and – most importantly – iconic glasses, following that stint in Spider-Man: Far From Home.