Here’s a quick summary of my mother, Pam. She carried me physically for nine months, and financially for 26 years after that; she spoils me, and then complains about how spoiled I am; and she’s my second least embarrassing parent on Facebook.

Now here’s a quick summary of Octavia Spencer’s character, Sue Ann, who is also know as the titular Ma. She likes to lure minors into her grotty basement with the promise of spiked booze and then tortures their unconscious bodies.

I know who I’m getting a Mother’s Day card for this year. (Of course, I have to pick my biological mother, as she may actually do a lot worse than Octavia did in Ma.)

Ma focuses on Oscar-winner, Octavia Spencer’s Sue Ann – a lonely woman who is fed up with her job and her life, and – to spice things up – invites a group of young teenagers over to her house to party, so they won’t hurt themselves by drinking and driving. However, things soon spiral when Ma becomes less hospitable and starts to become overly obsessed with the teens.

What’s the moral of the story? Do drink and drive. It’s clearly safer.

Octavia Spencer is, easily, the best part of Ma. Not only does she beautifully portray Sue Ann as both psychotic and hilarious, but it’s clear she also had a lot of fun doing it.

The only issue is that she had a lot of fun doing these morbid, sick, twisted things… Here’s a list of some of Ma’s most grim moments. And, of course, there will be spoilers ahead. And willies. Spoilers and willies.

She threatened to shoot a teenager unless he stripped naked for her.

Does Octavia not know you can literally see nudey bum on the internet, like, by going on any website ever? I once typed in “How to cook moussaka” into Google, and was sent down a wormhole of interracial porn.

When the teens – including Maggie, Haley, Andy, Chaz and Darrell – first visit Ma’s house, they notice a gun placed on a rafter. It’s at this point we see the first signs of Ma’s craziness, as she points the gun at Chaz until he strips butt naked.

It’s not until he’s stood with his bum blowing in the breeze, and his winky wrapped up in his hands like a Kellogg’s Fruit Winder, that Sue Ann assures everyone it was a gag, and that the gun didn’t even work. Personally I’d have preferred a knock, knock joke, but that’s just me.

She drugged her own daughter to prevent her from going to school.

I mean, I won’t judge too much – there are days where I’d have longed for a mother like this, so I didn’t have to fake diarrhoea on days of science exams. (Sorry, Mrs Gill).

Sue Ann nightly sedated her own daughter so she was too weak and frail to go to school. Ma, however, did do it with the best of intentions – it’s believed she did it so her daughter, Genie, wouldn’t be bullied at school, like she was.

I’m not saying this is necessarily a bad parenting method, but why not – next time – just write a letter to the school saying she has chicken pox and just let her watch Netflix for the next week? Is that a fair deal, Sue Ann?

She burnt Chaz’s body with an iron.

Just when you thought Chaz recovered from the humiliation of stripping in front of a horny, gun-toting mid-40s loner, it gets worse…

While unconscious, after being drugged by Ma – oh, yeah; she doesn’t just save the medication for her daughter – Sue Ann presses a burning hot iron into Chaz’s abs, enraged by how he was deemed as a popular kid at school.

I need not worry though – Sue Ann would’ve loved me. If I had a penny for every time I ate my ham and cheese sarnies in the toilets on my own at school…

She nearly chopped off Luke Evans’ penis.

There’s two things I liked about Luke Evans in Beauty and the Beast; his uncanny resemblance to Gaston, and the assumption that he was a well-endowed stud.

Seeking revenge for having bullied her as a teen, Ma chains Luke Evans’ character, Ben, to a bed and threatens to – ahem – remove his Belle-end. (I’m still so caught up on his incredible performance in Beauty and the Beast.)

Luckily for him, she decides against it and they all lived happily ever after, right? Right?

She injected dog’s blood into Luke Evans.

Ah. This is a bummer, isn’t it? Sorry, Luke.

While chained to the bed, Ma rants about how Ben was not a man, but a dog, so she decided to use an IV drip to pump dog’s blood into his veins and slowly kill him.

I know most of you reading will have a spare bucket of canine blood in your fridge, but Sue Ann actually went out of her way to brutally injure Maggie’s – one of the teen’s who frequented her basement – dog, and drain it of it’s blood. Remember when you actually liked Octavia Spencer? Sorry.

She stitched a girl’s mouth shut.

If you don’t know someone who you’d like to permanently shut up, then it’s probably you that needs to shut up. Heck, as I’m typing this, I’m sat opposite a bloke who won’t stop banging on and on and on and on about how lit this weekend’s gonna be.

If only Ma was here. I could really do with her help, after she sewed up Haley’s mouth to prove a point. Sue Ann was furious by her, as she was yet another popular kid at school, and wanted to permanently stop her from using her “gift of the gab”.

At least, I think that’s what happened. At this point, I just hid behind my Tango Ice Blast and repeatedly sang show tunes in my head to help numb the fear.

She stabbed a teenager after he kissed her.

Have you ever kissed someone you really didn’t fancy? I haven’t. I’m, in fact, usually the one who isn’t fancied. I just wanted to know what it’d feel like to be the rejector, rather than the rejectee.

In an attempt to save himself from Ma, Andy – who had previously been dating Maggie – kisses her and tells Sue Ann he loves her. She then stabbed him. Which is a totally normal reaction to “I love you”. I’ve been kicked, slapped and had several drinks thrown in my face when I’ve told girls that I love them.

Ma quickly caught on that Andy didn’t love her and was lying to save himself, so she left him to die. Jeremy Kyle would have a field day with these two.

She ran over a jogger (and dropped the c-bomb.)

Is it bad that this might be my favourite scene in the movie? I know it’s brutal and grim, but my god, was it funny. (Shit. I’m turning into Ma, aren’t I?!)

Following a pretty crappy day of not being able to lure any teens into your murder cabin, Sue Ann is driving home and spots one woman jogging down the road. Unfortunately for her, she just so happened to be one of Sue Ann’s childhood bullies, so Ma swerves onto the other side of the road and plows her down, killing her.

Ma then, quite literally, adds insult to injury by calling her a flipping currant. (Well, I had to censor it. Children can access this page. As long as they don’t type “How to cook moussaka” into Google, we should be fine.)