I’m a wuss when it comes to scary movies – I once saw Jaws and refused to sit in the bath for six months. I was a very stinky child.
And yet, I’d rather lather myself up in seal blood and go skinny-dipping in the shark tank at an aquarium, than sit through the traumatising live-action adaptation of Sonic the Hedgehog, simply because of Sonic’s unholy appearance.
From his beady little eyes – that make you see famine and poverty every time you look at them – to his terrifyingly firm and ample buttocks, there’s nothing right about Sonic. I bet even his views on Brexit are wrong. That is how much I dislike him.
On a separate note, I love the internet for a few reasons – you can always rely on it to supply GIFs of cats falling off fences, you can rest assured someone will be slagging off Katie Hopkins and – most importantly – an artist is digitally replacing the blue, pubey looking hedgehog with a truer, much more familiar looking Sonic.
Artur Baranov has taken Satan the Hedgehog out of every shot, and replaced him with a more cartoonish, and much more desirable version which boasts less-human-like eyes, actual gloves and, thankfully, a normal hedgehog butt. I’m relieved that booty’s gone; I’m already attracted to Princess Peach… I cannot possibly fancy Sonic too.
Paramount have vowed to redesign Sonic after so much backlash, so of course they’ll be able to replicate the excellence of this Sonic with a $90 million budget, right?
(That wasn’t rhetorical. Can someone please assure me they can, because I will not have a wink of sleep if they keep the old Sonic. He’s what I see in the corner of my room when I have sleep paralysis.)