I’m an ignorant buggar. I run my own movie-based site, which – in case you were unsure – you’re currently reading right now.
So there’s nothing I relish in more than spending month after month assuring my friends that this film is going to win the Academy Award, when soon after that film wins it, making me look like even more of a tit than I already looked. (Seriously. You should see the Hawaiian shirts I try to make work. Nothing says “tit” more than that.)
Heck, I’m the person who was dead certain that Glenn Close was going to beat Olivia Colman, and Roma was going to walk away with the big Academy Award. What do I know? (Please don’t leave my movie-based blog based on the fact that I openly admitted to knowing zilch about movies.)
Grace Kelly’s Best Actress win for The Country Girl
There’s no denying that Grace Kelly was an icon of the cinema – so much so, actual MIKA sang a song about her. You don’t see that pop legend singing about Jack Nicholson do you, so…
But if you asked anyone at the time, they’d have put their money on Judy Garland winning for A Star Is Born. Instead, it went to Kelly for a film I didn’t even know existed – The Country Girl. Heck, if you asked the actual Oscar statuette, he’d probably be shocked it went to a film called The Country Girl.
Bob Fosse’s Best Director win for Cabaret
The Godfather is, undeniably, one of – if not the greatest movie ever made. (I’m sorry, Big Hero 6; you come a close second). So you’d assume it would’ve won every award at the Oscars that year – I’d have given it Best Original Song, Best Foreign Film; anything.
It turns out the Academy agreed and gave it every award, except for Best Director, which didn’t go to Francis Ford Coppola, but went to Bob Fosse for Cabaret, instead. Do you feel good now, Oscars? You gave an award to a bloke named Bob. Well done.
Marisa Tomei’s Best Supporting Actress win for My Cousin Vinny
Everyone just assumed that Vanessa Redgrave was going to win this award for her role in Howard’s End. Instead, it went to Marisa Tomei tough talking New Jersey role in the comedy, My Cousin Vinny.
It was so shocking that some believe host, Jack Palance, actually read the wrong name out, from the envelope. Pfft. As if that would ever happen.
Anna Paquin’s Best Supporting Actress win for The Piano
What did you do by the time you were 11? I had 72 of the original Pokémon cards, and managed to create four MSN profiles to talk to myself with, thus making it look like I had mates.
Meanwhile, Anna Paquin, at the age of bloody 11, shockingly beat the likes of Holly Hunter, Emma Thompson and Winona Ryder for an Oscar! Sigh. I’ve really wasted my life, haven’t I?
Forrest Gump’s Best Picture win
I love Tom Hanks. He can do no wrong in my eyes. He could be cast as Princess Diana, and I’d still say he was the perfect actor for the role.
However, many cinema goers were shocked when Forrest Gump won the Best Picture in 1995, over the likes of Pulp Fiction and The Shawshank Redemption. Tim Robbins literally had to crawl through poo, and you gave it to a bloke who ran and ate chocolates? Where Is the justice?!
Marcia Gay Harden’s Best Supporting Actress win for Pollock
After the Golden Globes, BAFTAs and SAG Awards, it’s pretty easy to predict who’s going to win the Oscar. After all, if they’ve won EVERY. SINGLE. AWARD. so far, that’s a good indicator.
But Marcia Gay Harden’s win was so shocking, because she didn’t even receive nominations for those ceremonies; let alone wins. I know this joke writes itself, but I’m doing it anyway – what a load of old pollocks.
Adrian Brody’s Best Actor win for The Pianist
He was against icons, like Nicholas Cage, Michael Caine, Daniel Day-Lewis and Jack Nicholson. I was surprised to see Adrian Brody win. The audience was surprised to see Adrian Brody win. Even Adrian Brody was surprised to see Adrian Brody win.
So much so, rather than delivering an eloquent speech on stage, he kissed the host of the award, Halle Berry. (I’m not complaining though – Adrian’s repping the big-nosed lads out there. He’s doing me a favour.)
Three 6 Mafia’s Best Original Song win for Hustle & Flow
Last year, the beautiful, emotional melody from Coco, Remember Me, won the Oscar for its lyrics, such as “Remember me. Though I have to say goodbye, remember me. Don’t let it make you cry, for ever if I’m far away, I hold you in heart.” I didn’t even type that with my fingers; I wrote it with tear drops, falling onto my keyboard.
Let’s go back to 2006, when rap-group, Three 6 Mafia won for their song, It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp, with the equally-sentimental lyrics “You know it’s hard out here for a pimp, when he tryin’ to get this money for the rent, for the Cadillacs and gas money spent, because a whole lot of bitches talkin’ shit”.
Suicide Squad’s Best Makeup win
SUICIDE SQUAD NOW HAS THE SAME AMOUNT OF OSCARS AS CITIZEN KANE. LET THAT SINK IN, GUYS.