If there’s one thing I know, it’s Tinder. I used to swipe in my sleep. I actually had to see a therapist for eight months, as my thumb would swipe occasionally against my will.
Now if there’s one thing I don’t know, it’s how to talk to girls once you match with them on Tinder. My opening line read as follows:
Hello,
*drops a load of limes and picks them up again*
My name’s Daniel.
*drops a load of limes and picks them up again*
How are you today?
*drops a load of limes*
Sorry about this – I’m not very good at pick-up limes.
I’m actually starting to think my girlfriend’s in a relationship with me on a bet. But she’s stunning, so I’m just going to go along with her. Maybe she could split the winning’s 50-50?
However, there are two people that don’t seem to be having any difficulty in wooing the ladies – a serial killer, burglar and necrophile, and an alien Symbiote with an amorphous, liquid-like form. Of course.
No, that’s not a new filter on Plenty of Fish, but instead one of Twitter kink’s after the first trailer for Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil And Vile was released, showing Zac Efron portray Ted Bundy. Because, of course, why would you pick anyone else to play a rapist than the bloke who sang an angsty ballad on a golf course once?
After the Baywatch star debuted in the trailer, many found themselves – and I quote – fancying Ted Bundy. [Insert GIF of Patrick Stewart face-palming here.]
Even actual Netflix had to jump in and try to mop up the swooning, after millions of viewers were left thirsty by Zac playing a – let me remind you – a bloke who murdered several women.
At this point, I’d usually shut down my laptop, deactivate my Twitter account, and possibly shove my face into a blender, so I’d never have to read any more horny fanfic about Ted Bundy, but that’s when I saw this…
People were crawling out of the woodwork, slating those who fancied Ted – hooray… Because they were too busy fancying Venom. For f-
Let’s not get confused here. Tom Hardy is a very sexy man. I, as a heterosexual male, have often been confused watching Inception, wandering if I could pursue a new lifestyle, but these horndogs aren’t after Tom Hardy as Eddie Brock – they’re after Tom Hardy as Venom, the big, gloopy black spider-monster thing, who ate garbage.
NOTE TO SELF: Should my girlfriend ever dump me, become an actual psychotic monster. Chicks love that.
NOTE TO GIRLFRIEND: Don’t dump me. I’m very clingy and needy.