Here’s Who’d Win An Oscar If None Of The Nominees Were Nominated

At this year’s Academy Awards, we don’t have a host. We don’t have musical performances.

And now I’m imagining what the 2019 Oscars would be like if we didn’t have The Favourite and Roma taking every single award.

Best Picture

If there’s one thing I know, it’s what film should with the Academy Award for Best Picture. Last year, I opted for Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri to win. (It went to The Shape of Water.) The year before, I chose La La Land. (It went to that… And then went to Moonlight.) As for 2015, I favoured Mad Max: Fury Road. (The Oscar went to Spotlight.)

So, it turns out that I don’t have a fucking Scooby Doo as to who should get the Academy Award for Best Picture. Maybe just skip past these alternative nominations.

  • A Quiet Place
  • Can You Ever Forgive Me?
  • Crazy Rich Asians
  • Eighth Grade
  • First Man
  • First Reformed
  • If Beale Street Could Talk
  • Mary Poppins Returns

Best Director

These five directors have created exceptional pictures this year. All of them deserve the highest form of praise.

I just think Bradley Cooper deserves it a bit more because of how peng his hair was in A Star Is Born.

  • Barry Jenkins – If Beale Street Could Talk
  • Bradley Cooper – A Star Is Born
  • Damien Chazelle – First Man
  • Lynne Ramsay – You Were Never Really Here
  • Peter Farrelly – Green Book

Best Actor

Shout-out to these five actors. Two of whom are – I think – older than the Academy Awards themselves. Rumour has it that Clint actually saw the first video camera to ever be made.

  • Clint Eastwood – The Mule
  • Ethan Hawke – First Reformed
  • John David Washington – BlacKkKlansman
  • Robert Redford – The Old Man and the Gun
  • Ryan Gosling – First Man

Best Actress

Who’d have thought that we’d get Emily and Toni in the same category? In Hereditary, I nearly cried every time I heard Charlie’s clicking.

In Mary Poppins Returns, I nearly cried every time I thought Dick Van Dyke was going to attempt a British accent.

  • Elsie Fisher – Eighth Grade
  • Emily Blunt – Mary Poppins Returns
  • Nicole Kidman – Destroyer
  • Toni Collette – Hereditary
  • Viola Davis – Widows

Best Supporting Actor

  • Casey Affleck – The Old Man & The Gun
  • Jeff Bridges – Bad Times At The El Royale
  • John C. Reilly – Stan & Ollie
  • Michael B. Jordan – Black Panther
  • Timothée Chalamet – Beautiful Boy

Best Supporting Actress

  • Claire Foy – First Man
  • Emily Blunt – A Quiet Place
  • Kathy Bates – On The Basis of Sex
  • Margot Robbie – Queen of Scots
  • Sissy Spacek – The Old Man & The Gun

Best Animated Feature

  • Batman Ninja
  • Early Man
  • The Grinch
  • Smallfoot
  • Teen Titans GO! To the Movies

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