I’m taking this moment to apologise to one of my childhood friends; Cherry. It was her seventh birthday party, and my mother had popped to Argos to get her a My Little Pony.
It was bright blue. It had stars on it’s rear. It’s hair was a glowing purple. It smelled of bubblegum. If you pushed down on its tail, it whinnied. And her name was Sapphire.
What I’m trying to get to here is… I kept the pony. Instead, I wrapped up a colouring book I didn’t want, and some second hand crayons. That was her present, while I spent week after week galloping with Sapphire.
So you shouldn’t be too shocked when you spot that I’ve written every detail about the upcoming live-action feature, Barbie.
NOTE: I don’t still play with Sapphire.
NOTE: But that doesn’t mean I don’t miss her every damn day.
The Release Date
Originally, you were supposed to be watching Margot Robbie cruising around in a plastic convertible on 29 June 2018. But – much like when I text my mates saying “I’m five minutes away”, when, in reality I’m sat in my pants on the end of my bed – this adaptation of Barbie is going to be late.
Sony have since gone on to announce that the live-action movie will be set for release 8 May 2020. (That should give them enough time to work out how to make Margot Robbie six-inches tall.)
Initially, Amy Schumer was set to play the titular role of Barbie, but had to drop out in 2017, when the Trainwreck star said “I’m bummed, but look forward to seeing Barbie on the big screen”. (I wasn’t that disappointed either, frankly.)
And after it was rumoured that Anne Hathaway – someone who, unlike Amy Schumer, doesn’t disappoint me on a minute-by-minute basis – was taking over the role, Sony confirmed that Academy Award-nominated Margot Robbie was taking the role.
Because who else would you expect to see play a child’s toy than a woman who flashed her genitals to Leonardo DiCaprio and clubbed people to death with a baseball bat?
Saoirse Ronan; someone I’m pleased I’m typing rather than saying, was also keen on joining the cast. During a joint interview to promote Mary Queen Of Scots, Saoirse said “Are you doing Barbie? Fuck yes. Maybe I can be your weird friend.”
In your face, Daily Mail – I don’t censor my swears.
There are very little plot details about the upcoming Barbie movie, but some reports have stated that it will see a less-than-perfect Barbie* being expelled from Barbieland only to set off on an adventure in the real world.
Because who else would you expect to see a less-than-perfect being than a woman who has been penned as one of the most beautiful people on the planet and who boasts over 15 million followers on Instagram?