I’m obsessed with Spider-Man. I’ve lost months of my life (and several close friends) to playing Insomniac’s video game. At the age of 15, I even used to put PVA glue on my fingertips, just so I’d have a white, gooey substance on them to mimic Spider-Man. (At least that’s what I told my parents.)
So what could be better for me, a Spider-Fan, than one web-slinger? How about six web-slingers? And one of them is a pig.
In the latest trailer for Sony’s Into The Spider-Verse, we’re introduced to six different variations of Spider-Man, after the “Super-Collider” brings them all together. But enough of the science malarkey – you just wanna know why the Spider-Pig has eye holes on his snout, don’t you?
Here’s all of the different types of Spider-Man in Into The Spider-Verse…
Peter B. Parker, Spider-Man
Well, if you don’t know who this Spider-Man is, you should probably get off of this website now. And maybe don’t even bother leaving the house for a while, at risk of cringing to death from embarrassment.
Played by Jake Johnson, this version of Spider-Man is experienced. He’s not like the fresh-faced Tom Holland, or the gorky Tobey Maguire – and he certainly doesn’t appear in terrible Spider-Man films like Andrew Garfield.
It’s hinted, however, that this Spider-Man is somehow related to Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man, after he alludes to the likes of upside-down kisses. If that’s the case, I’d like to sit him down and ask him what the hell that Spider-Man 3 dance scene was all about.
Miles Morales, Ultimate Spider-Man
Urgh. I get it. You think that handing over the gig of Spider-Man to a black teenager was a publicity stunt. Stop bawling, you man-baby, and enjoy the lead in Into The Spider-Verse.
Miles Morales (who is voiced by Shameik Moore) seems new to the role of superhero, having been trained by Peter Parker throughout the few trailers that have been released so far.
This character was originally created in 2011, and became Spider-Man after the death of Peter Parker. (I probably should’ve said “spoiler alert”, shouldn’t I? Whoops.)
Gwen Stacy, Spider-Gwen
It’s a relief she’s not called Hyacinth, because Spider-Hyacinth just isn’t as catchy, is it?
I always want to drop kick my TV set whenever a female character is written into a plot just to act as a love interest – I could’ve put my television into a fucking blender when I saw Arwen in Lord of the Rings. So imagine if Peter Parker’s love interest was the one to have been bitten by a radioactive spider…
Enter Spider-Gwen. Not only is Spider-Gwen an female version of Spider-Man, with similar superpowers, but she also immediately becomes cooler by default, because she’s a drummer in a rock band called the Mary-Janes. Now if only I could have some help working out who the frontman is in said band.)
1930s Peter Parker, Spider-Man Noir
If you’ve seen that photo of Nicholas Cage as Superman, you haven’t forgotten it. It’s been etched into your mind and will haunt your nightmares for the rest of eternity. Luckily, Nic is set to play Spider-Man Noir, a hero inspired by the Great Depression, to try and remedy the mental imagery of Cage’s National Treasure in those tight red pants.
This alternate take is said to be a lot darker than the OG Spider-Man. Aside from that different and the fact Spider-Man Noir wears dodgy goggles, there’s not a lot different between the two – their origin are the same; their powers are the same. Consider Spider-Man Noir as that dodgy goth kid at school you’re pretty sure put voodoo hexes on your mathematics teacher. (RIP, Mr Roberts.)
Peni Parker, SP//dr
Don’t you just hate it when your aunt and uncle are working on a giant robotic arachnid, which went and killed your father while he was wearing it, forcing you to be bitten by a radioactive spider allowing you to then bond with the SP//dr suit, at the age of nine? Me too.
And that’s the back story behind Peni Parker. Sure, that’s tough, but have you ever waited thirty minutes staring at a computer screen after removing the ladder from the swimming pool in Sims, just to drown your in-game wife, because she missed two days of work? That’s a dark nine-year old, Peni.
Peter Porker, Spider-Ham
Fuck. Yes. I have waited so long for this. He’s like The Simpsons’ Spider-Pig, but better, because Spider-Ham is an actual pig who was born a spider. Long story short, he was exposed to some radiation, hence transforming him into the anthropomorphic hybrid. Because who isn’t exposed to radiation in the Marvel universe?
You thought that was incredible? He has sidekicks such as Captain AmeriCat and Goose Rider. He’s so cute I want to die. And he’s played by John Mulaney. Who is also cute enough I’d want to die.