Ah. I am The Movie Dweeb. I’ve given myself that title because I am a dweeb, and – you guessed it – because I have a deep love for apple pie. I am The Apple Pie Dweeb.

Dammit. I knew I’d get it wrong somewhere. Movies. I have a deep love for movies.

I’ve seen new and old movies, including some of the most famous film franchises out there. I just haven’t seen the most famous film franchise; Mission: Impossible. Before I was invited to a screening of the sixth instalment, Mission: Impossible – Fallout, I assumed Tom Cruise played a woman called Miss Ioni Mpossible. (Maybe she had African heritage?)

I’m asking you now; as my faithful six readers, to bear with me. I’ll be giving a totally uneducated critique on Fallout, as I’ve never seen any of the other Mission: Impossible movies. Did – did you know it had a cool theme tune, too? I guess they just introduced that for this film…

This is Tom Cruise’s sixth outing as Ethan Hunt, a spy by-day, and a cockney rhyming slang phrase for something very rude. Fortunately for a MI virgin like myself, the movie quite literally opened with Ethan receiving details of his mission in a very easy, self-explaining video tape, which told Ethan to track a man who escaped custody, and prevent a global catastrophe. From there, Ethan is partnered up with Henry Cavill’s character, Walker, who looked rather like Superman, but without a crappy CGI upper-lip. It’s made clear from the beginning that Cavill is one of the story’s villains, which is refreshing. There’s only so many movies that can “shock” you with a good-guy-gone-bad twist, like every scriptwriter in Hollywood has watched several series of Scooby Doo. Henry was an odd one, though. His choreography was on point, as he played the ruthless, violent bad cop, throwing fists at anyone who gets in his way. He was one of CIA’s finest agents, so why is it that when we’re first introduced to the character, he passes out and it’s up to Cruise to rescue him, only for Cavill to come around and babble out a line that wouldn’t look out of place in Grown Ups 3? He’s a top agent. He should be capable of overcoming a skydive. What if Ethan Hunt wasn’t there? The CIA should really start checking if their employees suffer from altitude sickness. Despite this, he played a worthy villain, and even garnered a round of applause from the cinema at his death. (Don’t act shocked. The good guy won. If you didn’t see that coming, I’d go to Specsavers. Now.)

They say practise makes perfect, and Tom Cruise has certainly had his fair share of rehearsal playing the charismatic action hero, and Ethan Hunt is probably one of his most likable. He’s brilliant as the lead. While some of his character’s plots may be predictable throughout, you can’t help but sit in awe at Cruise’s physical ability. The guy literally broke his foot on set and continued to film. That cut made the final picture. I once got a dodgy haircut and took a week off work, so that’s the difference between me and him. (That and his infinite wealth too.) I was shocked by the supporting characters, however. I expected more from Simon Pegg. As one of Britain’s finest comedy exports – alongside Ricky Gervais and Nigel Farage – Pegg seemed to play a relatively straight-guy, who occasionally got the odd funny line, but was mostly used to fill a scene with agreements and a bewildered look. We were also introduced to Vanessa Kirby’s The White Widow. This may have been a huge ploy to cast her as Black Widow in the Marvel franchise (because it’ll be great to see ScaJo lose her role to someone else for a change.) Alternatively, The White Widow may have just been a complex way to crowbar an attractive blonde female into the movie. Ethan was set the task of fetching the plutonium to prevent a bomb… And had to deliver it through her, for some reason, as if he was a three-foot-tall Postman Pat.

Of course, what would a Mission: Impossible film be without it’s iconic stunts? Seriously. That’s not rhetorical. I don’t know. I haven’t seen any of the other films, remember? For all I know, the rest of the franchise could be a silly romcom starring Hugh Grant. Visually, the picture is breath-taking. You can tell from the offset that it’s produced by JJ Abrams, because my lens-flare-o-meter went through the roof during, but the set pieces are stunning. Tom Cruise and Henry Cavill double up for a fight in a bathroom, with incredible special effects, and outstanding choreography, which I was genuinely amazed by. This scene is worth the cost of the ludicrously overpriced popcorn, alone. Plus, there was oral sex jokes during, so that’s a big ol’ plus in my books. But the final chapter sees Ethan Hunt chasing Henry Cavill’s Walker in a helicopter across a snowy mountain is perfection. It’s very far-fetched, and bullets seem to fly about as if a blind Stormtrooper is firing, but I defy anyone not to be impressed as they hurtle around in tumbling ‘copter, only to be wedged in between two cliff faces, vertically. (Of course, if you are a blind Stormtrooper, you probably didn’t see that, so I apologise for getting so defensive.) I recently reviewed Skyscraper, and criticised it’s lack of impressive set pieces. Mission: Impossible – Fallout is the opposite; from high-octane car chases in Paris, to a roof-top brawl in London, Fallout lives up to the explosive reputation.

Mission: Impossible – Fallout surprised me. I expected a very standard action movie, but this fucking delivers. It’s full of shocking stunts that haven’t been replicated since the days of Mad Max: Fury Road, and the best part? A guy who’s half my height is impressively taking them on. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to order Mission: Impossible 1 – 5 on Amazon.