Ask any of my old managers – I’m pretty bad at my job.
Shockingly, I got sacked from my job at the calendar factory; all I did was take a day off. I tried working in an orange juice company, but I couldn’t concentrate. And don’t even get me started on the time I applied to work in Australia. I just didn’t have the koalafications.
(After those, I want to honestly thank those of you who have stuck around to continue reading this. I understand it must have been difficult for you.)
And despite my constant inability to do my job, I still don’t feel half as bad as I should, thanks to the glorious world of Hollywood. Some producers and directors put millions of dollars into a movie, only for literally zero people to appreciate the picture.
Rotten Tomatoes, which for those of you who don’t know (aka, my mother), is a site which compiles professional critic reviews on movies and television shows, to mark them as Fresh or Rotten, based on a percentage. Some movies, however, walk away with a dire 0%. If only there was a place where we could name and shame those pictures. Hmm…
This movie stars John Travolta as infamous crime boss, John Gotti, on his rise to become the “Tefflon Don” of the Gambino Crime Family. (And this will be the first and only time I badmouth anything related to Gambino, isn’t it, Donald Glover?) John tried to play a harrowing mob leader here, and scored 0%. In Hairspray, he played a fat woman, and scored 91%. Just sayin’.
“A fast-paced cheaply made Euro thriller that reminds us Jason Bourne was a good film and this similar action pic is not.” – Dennis Schwartz, Ozus’ World Movie Reviews
Cabin Fever (2016)
You might want to tighten up your shoelaces, because the plot for this horror will knock your socks off. A group of five friends from college go to a remote cabin in the woods, and are killed off one-by-one by a flesh-eating entity. Thank you, Gods of Hollywood, for bestowing us with this totally original piece.
Max Steel (2016)
“Given that the character began life as a hunk of plastic with a cool name, it’s hardly surprising that writers have reshaped his biography on the fly, with all the consistency of kids playing with their toys in the backyard.” – A.A. Dowd, AV Club
Dark Crimes (2016)
I love that wacky goofball Jim Carrey. What hilarious hijinks is he getting up to in Dark Crimes? Let’s see, shall we? Oh, he’s playing a cop who’s obsessed with sex, lies and corruption? Okay. Cool. Erm… Shall we just put on Dumb & Dumber now?
Precious Cargo (2016)
“An absolute waste of time and an insult to action cinema.” – Mikel Zorrilla, Espinof
The Ridiculous 6 (2015)
No, I won’t believe it. An Adam Sandler movie just can not be poorly received.* Especially not one as lazy and racist as The Ridiculous 6. I’m just pleased Nick Nolte didn’t agree to join the cast, and wreck his career. Oh wait…
* Unless you count Grown Ups, Pixels, The Cobbler, Jack and Jill, The Do-Over, Zookeeper, Blended, Just Go With It, I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry, Mr Deeds, That’s My Boy, The Waterboy, Bedtime Stories and You Don’t Mess With The Zohan.
A Thousand Words (2012)
Eddie Murphy is a talented comedian. Eddie Murphy: Raw is said to be one of the greatest displays of stand-up in recent years. His performance in Mulan was one of Disney’s greatest castings since Robin Williams in Aladdin. So what could A Thousand Words do to warrant a 0% rating? Take away his voice. Naturally.
I’d rather watch Norbit over-and-over again. And that’s saying something.
Dark Tide (2012)
“A movie that was more Snores than Jaws.” – Grant Rollings, The Sun
Bucky Larson: Born To Be A Star (2011)
No, I won’t believe it. A movie written by Adam Sandler just can not be poorly received.* Especially not one that consists of Nick Swardson finding out that his parents were once adult film stars. That’s funny, right?
* Unless you count Sandy Wexler, Little Nicky, Big Daddy, Pixels, Grown Ups 2, Billy Madison and Hotel Transylvania 2.
The Nutcracker in 3D (2010)
“Spectacularly misconceived, bloated and incredibly ugly…” – Lou Lumenick, New York Post
“This ripoff of “Misery” will make you miserable.” – Paul Chambers, CNN Radio
“One poorly told story would be bad enough but with “Stolen” we have two.” – Cole Smithey, ColeSmithey.com
One Missed Call (2008)
“One big miss of a horror movie.” – Bob Longino, Atlanta Journal-Constitution
“The cars in the film are treated with more respect than the women.” – Lisa Rose, Newark Star-Ledger
“To make a 3-D ‘torture porn’ movie is at best opportunist; to make one with flat, boring torture scenes is unforgivable.” – Nigel Floyd, TimeOut
“Neither the camera nor the script can focus.” – Scott Brown, Entertainment Weekly
Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004)
“Why? Seriously, why? Why would anyone make a sequel to Baby Geniuses, a 1999 film whose existence, from its title on down, appeared to be a cruel joke about the gullibility of the lowest common denominator?” – Nathan Rabin, AV Club
National Lampoon’s Gold Diggers (2003)
“Nothing’s quite so painful as failed comedy, and this atrocity is equivalent to a compound fracture.” – Hank Sartin, Chicago Reader
Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002)
“Ballistic is a generic blur of metallic blue and fireball orange set to the contrapuntal sounds of throbbing techno and eardrum-puncturing noise.” – Manohla Dargis, Los Angeles Times
“Audiences don’t get fooled with such sloppy work, and once we lose credibility in the filmmakers, it’s pretty much like a balloon pheerrzzing out its air.” – Urban Cinefile
Killing Me Softly (2002)
“What a great shame that such a talented director as Chen Kaige has chosen to make his English-language debut with a film so poorly plotted and scripted.” – Mark Adams, Hollywood Reporter
Merci Docteur Rey (2002)
“Tries too hard to be madcap.” – Robert Dominguez, New York Daily News
“Better this log-headed Pinocchio had been burned at the stake.” – John J. Puccio, Movie Metropolis
3 Strikes (2000)
“Relies much too heavily on multiple repetitions of gags that aren’t especially funny the first time around.” – Joe Leydon, Variety
Shadow Conspiracy (1997)
“When Charlie Sheen and Donald Sutherland appear in any movie, you should be wary. Their contracts seem to demand nothing but corny formula.” – Desson Thomson, Washington Post
A Low Down Dirty Shame (1994)
“It’s easy — far too easy — to use the title of Keenen Ivory Wayans’ latest movie as a description. Unfortunately, it’s also accurate.” – James Berardinelli, ReelViews
Wagons East! (1994)
“[An] anemic Blazing Saddles-wannabe.” – Steven Rea, Philadelphia Inquirer
Look Who’s Talking Now (1993)
“A crude and mawkish film in which dogs attempt to communicate with Kirstie Alley and John Travolta.” – Rita Kempley, Washington Post
Highlander 2: The Quickening (1991)
“Leaden, laden with effects, short on imagination.” – TimeOut
Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991)
“Return to the Blue Lagoon is neither campy enough to be howlingly funny nor prurient enough to be provocative.” – Carrie Rickey, Philadelphia Inquirer
Mac and Me (1988)
“It’s an amazingly bald-faced copy of E. T. even though this is E. T. in a sticky wrapper, left under the heater two hours too long.” – Michael Wilmington, Los Angeles Times
Jaws: The Revenge (1987)
“Jaws is looking a bit long in the tooth these days.” – Dave Kehr, Chicago Tribune
Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (1987)
“Just when you think American film comedy has hit the bottom of the barrel, it makes a supreme effort and keeps sinking.” – Richard Harrington, Washington Post
Staying Alive (1987)
“As always Travolta is urban gorgeous and very charming. The rest of the film is neither.” – Richard Corliss, TIME Magazine