If I told you that I had collected pretty much every Pokémon trading card from the first generation within seconds of their release; that I dragged my Dad to see Pokémon: The First Movie: Mewtwo Strikes Back at least six times, and am still paying for his therapy; and that I don’t remember a single day of 1999 because I was busy playing Pokémon Red, what would you think?

Yes, that I’m a bloody loser, sure.

But you’ll also (hopefully) be under the impression that I was a huge fan of the Japanese franchise.

That’s why, when I found out the news that a movie titled Detective Pikachu was going to be released worldwide starring Hollywood royalty, the eight-year-old inside me screamed… Which soon got pretty annoying, because eight-year-old me was a right bellend.

The Release Date

On the same day that the Parliament of Great Britain passed the Tea Act, designed to save the British East India Company by granting it a monopoly on the North American tea trade, and on the same day that Winston Churchill is appointed Prime Minister of the United Kingdom following the resignation of Neville Chamberlain, and on the same day that Nelson Mandela is inaugurated as South Africa’s first black president, another iconic moment in history joins the ranks.

Detective Pikachu is set for release, according to Universal, on May 10, 2019. Principal photography has begun in London, England.

And you thought the Great Fire of London was the biggest crisis to happen to England’s capital. (Four history references in three paragraphs? So why did I get a D- in GCSE?!)

The Director

Taking the helm is Rob Letterman, a director who’s worked on several hugely successful family movies, including Shark Tale and Monsters vs. Aliens. He also directed Goosebumps.

You know what they say – every cloud has a dreadful movie that no-one saw.

The Cast

I’ve just checked my blood, and I’m not having some sort of fever dream. The comedic genius behind Deadpool and The Voices, (and an all-round hell of a hunk) Ryan Reynolds is set to lend his voice to a digitally-generated Sherlock Holmes-inspired Pikachu. That’s a sentence I can’t believe I haven’t said sooner, frankly.

In a recent interview, Ryan confirmed that he will be using his own voice to portray Pikachu, so there goes my hopes and dreams of hearing him all squeaky and giggly. That was, oddly, a kink of mine.

Justice Smith, who’s best known for his role in Netflix’s The Get Down, is set to play Pikachu’s human-trainer. You know, the guys and gals who entrap wild animals and force them into a life of fighting one another? Yup. That’s Justice’s role.

Joining the cast is Ken Watanabe and Kathryn Newton, who play Detective Yoshida – a role specifically created for the movie – and a journalist, Lucy, respectively. There aren’t many details on these characters… Mainly because most people zone out after hearing the two words ‘Detective’ and ‘Pikachu’ put together.

If you’ve watched Fifty Shades Freed, A) I feel very sorry for you, and B) You’ll know the next obvious step is to cast someone from the anal-bead inserting movie into an animated tale about Pikachu. The singer, Rita Ora, who has also starred alongside Jake Gyllenhaal in Southpaw, is set to play a character in the movie, but details of her role are still very secret. As long as their isn’t any lube in sight, I’m content.

The Plot

The writers behind the Pokémon franchise genuinely concern me. I once saw about 12 episodes on a Pokémon called Pineco, who looks like a pinecone and has all of the fighting ability of a pinecone. Unless his main attack was to force itself up my bum, he’s not much of a threat.

But believe me; that would be super critical.

There’s not many details on the plot yet – so far, the only thing that’s been said is that the lead character’s (Justice Smith) father is kidnapped, so he must team-up with Detective Pikachu to track him down. Nah. Kidnapped fathers and meeting up with strangers? That’s what every good family-friendly film should involve, right? That’s what Inside Out was missing.

With Detective Pikachu being based on the video game of the same name, there may be plot points which transfer to the big screen, but so far, that hasn’t been hinted at. After all, the video game opens with Detective Pikachu using his expertise sleuthing abilities to track down two purple monkeys. I can’t see Ryan Reynolds agreeing to that. Even if he did agree to R.I.P.D.

The Trailer

What would you rather? Have Tom Hanks life-swap with you, eat an unlimited supply of white chocolate Oreos and fart the cure to epilepsy? Or get the trailer for Detective Pikachu?

I chose the latter too.

Which is why I’m going to have to cancel my plans with the Toy Story actor and return my Oreos, because Ryan Reynolds recently offered the first glimpse of him as Pikachu.

And if you don’t scream “IT’S SO FLUFFY, I’M GONNA DIE” as soon as you see Pikachu, you’re wrong.