Bloody ‘ell. Imagine being either Ines or James Reynolds. Your father is a Hollywood icon, who stars in the likes of Deadpool, Mississippi Grind and Buried. And while your father did also star in R.I.P.D., at least he didn’t eat a pack of Mentos and down a bottle of Coca-Cola to see if he could start a volcano from his mouth…

Like. My. Father. Did.

Ryan has acquired 7.91 million followers on Twitter since he joined in late-November, and he uses it for all of the usual Hollywood malarkey; like promoting his movies, chatting with other A-listers, and – most importantly – brutally rinsing his newly born children.

Sure, his daughters may grow up with horrific mental scarring and daddy-issues, but it’s funny as hell for me, and it distracts from the fact that the most powerful man on the planet uses the term “covfefe”.

Ryan uses the millions of dollars he’s earned to treat his children to cute outfits…

LOVE dressing my daughter in baby clothes. The itsy-bitsy pink pajamas. The tiny white socks. The black leather mask. Cuteness overload!

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 13, 2015

Holidays…

Went to Disneyland because my daughter's obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) January 30, 2017

My daughter loves being buried up to her neck in sand at the beach. Her little face lights up when I come back to get her the next day.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) July 16, 2017

Festivals…

Damn it's hard letting your infant daughter go somewhere alone for the first time. I was a total mess dropping her off at Burning Man.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) September 7, 2016

And body ink.

Selecting a lower back tattoo for an infant is easy. Finding someone willing to do the work is challenging. https://t.co/8IcMRo21fw

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 11, 2015

But he’s not giving it to her; he’s raising her to work for what she wants…

Surprisingly easy to teach a baby to swipe right.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 16, 2015

Tinder isn't a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 19, 2016

They even celebrate special occasions together, like Father’s Day…

On Fathers Day, my daughter smiled at me.

It was all the gift I needed as I packed a bag and left for 6 years to write a book on parenting.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 21, 2015

Birthdays…

Happy birthday to my baby girl! Sad I lost my virginity. But thankful I have a daughter.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) December 16, 2015

And her father’s funeral.

My daughter just sneezed into my yawning mouth. Seemed really fucking pleased with herself. Joke's on her. She'll have to bury me someday.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) April 16, 2016

Luckily, Ryan Reynolds is worth about $65 million, because he’s really got a lot of therapy to pay for.

I'm teaching my daughter that the sun goes down each night because it's mad at her. Probably gonna write a book on parenting at some point.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 5, 2015

Nothing better than spending an entire morning staring into my baby daughter's eyes, whispering, "I can't do this".

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 26, 2015

I'd walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it's dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) September 11, 2015

Love writing nursery rhymes for my daughter. Her favorites are, "Sunshine-Cuddle-Time!" and "Everyone You Know Will Eventually Die."

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) November 11, 2015

Tip: It's important parents take little "time outs" for themselves too. Even if you feel pretty guilty when you return 14 years later.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) May 3, 2016

Totally caved and tossed my daughter the keys to the car. She looked really happy as they bounced off her tiny infant face.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 12, 2016

My infant daughter's traumatized for life. 50 Shades of Grey = Worst fucking coloring book ever.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) July 17, 2016

Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) July 22, 2016

Healthy Parenting Tip No. 34: Get the child into showbiz as soon as possible.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 1, 2016

No matter which kids book I read to my screaming baby on an airplane, the moral of the story is always something about a vasectomy.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 7, 2016

Put the baby down in her crib tonight. She scrunched her nose so cute, giggled, then turned into thousands of bats.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 10, 2016

They should call "fighting pits" something else because my baby just plays with the other babies.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 16, 2016

This morning, my daughter said, "quiche" which means she's smart, hungry and an asshole.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 21, 2016

It's important kids eat 5 servings of vegetables daily. Even if childhood is just a dress-rehearsal for extraordinary adult suffering.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 29, 2016

On our 6am walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it's in heaven, visiting daddy's freedom.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) October 16, 2016

I watched Frozen without my two year old this morning. Despair reveals itself in many forms.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) November 9, 2016