Je m’appelle Daniel, et j’ai un crayon rouge et j’aime jouer au football. Would you believe I got an A* GCSE in French? The worst part is, I don’t even have a red pencil. I straight up lied because I didn’t know how to say I had a green one.

So when it comes to translating an entire two-hour-long motion picture, I sympathise with the interpreters. Imagine being paid thousands of pounds to watch some of the world’s most impressive, critically acclaimed movies before anyone else, and all you have to do is translate the words from the original script, into your mother tongue. Jeez. You’ve gotta feel sorry for those guys, haven’t you?

I do, however, have to question how long certain studios left their work experience kid alone in a room with six Red Bulls and Google Translate in order to come up with these – quite frankly – God awful movie title translations.

(And the worst part? I judged Google Translate, but I 110% used that for the first sentence in this post. I don’t even know if that was French.)

Six Naked Pigs (China)

The Full Monty

Bit harsh, isn’t it? Personally, I’d say Robert Carlyle and Tom Wilkinson are actually quite healthy. The only one who could be deemed as overweight, Mark Addy, actually goes through the whole film self-conscious about his weight. Don’t even get me started on how China call Calendar Girls ‘The Bunch Of Wrinkly Ol’ Birds With Proper Saggy Knockers’.

One Night Big Belly (China)

Knocked Up

Last year, 16.87 million babies were born in China, so you can rely on them to know exactly how babies are made. There’s no confusion as to what Knocked Up could possibly be about – is it a movie about pregnancy or someone who just constantly taps on people’s doors? One Night Big Belly. Easy. And they’re not even talking about Mark ‘The Pig’ Addy anymore.

Mysterious Murder in Snowy Cream (China)

Fargo

Oh, it’s mysterious, is it? I’m in. There’s a murder? Oh, I love a thriller. It’s snowy, too? A whole new environment for me to get enthralled in? Yes. Bloody. Please.

But what’s the cream about? Mysterious Murder in Snowy Cream. It sounds less like a comedy-crime flick, and more like a porno.

American Virgin Man (China)

American Pie

I don’t even know how these two vaguely relate. One is a coming-of-age teen comedy, about a group of lads who are desperate to lose their virginity before they finish school.

The other opens with a gasping crowd shouting “Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No. It’s Jason Biggs fucking a pie in the air”. American Virgin Man is the worst. Superhero. Ever.

Santa Is A Pervert (Czech Republic)

Bad Santa

I’ve seen less scathing propaganda during WWII. (Not that I was around during, say, 1942.) Just because Santa entices children to do what he wants, and bribes them with presents. Just because Santa sees you when you’re sleeping and when you’re awake – literally watching you at all times. Just because he hops from shopping centre to shopping centre, getting children to sit on his lap and chat about the first thing that rises…

Jesus, Czech Republic, this is the first one that actually makes sense! Santa’s a pervert.

Die Hard: Mega Hard (Denmark)

Die Hard With A Vengeance

The third instalment in Bruce Willis’ Die Hard franchise is, by far, my favourite. But it’s not so good that I get a full on erection when watching it. That’s why I much prefer Denmark’s Die Hard: Mega Hard; a picture that acts as both a thriller-action movie, and – presumably – a batch of Viagra.

Warm Shots (Czech Republic)

 

Hot Shots

It’s just like Hot Shots, but it’s not as good. While Hot Shots was a spoof of Top Gun, Warm Shots is a spoof of the direct-to-DVD Disney pictures, Planes. The lead is Charlie Sheen in his prime, in Hot Shots. While Warm Shots cast his brother, Ramon Estevez. Yeah, I didn’t know there was a Ramon Estevez either.

The Hole Of Malkovich (Japan)

 

Being John Malkovich

Erm… What?

He’s A Ghost (China)

 

The Sixth Sense

“Hello, I’d like two tickets to He’s A Ghost. Or, y’know what, on second thoughts, forget it. I’ve just said the final scene. I don’t need to see it anymore. Nor do I need to see…

Kevin Spacey Is Keyeser Soze, Luke, I Am Your Father or Brad Pitt Was Always A Figment Of Edward Norton’s Imagination”.