Literally, Just Every Damn Thing You Need To Know About Kingsman: The Golden Circle

 I’m a proper moron. And don’t get all smart-arse on me, and say “You what? You’re only just telling us now?! We knew for years.” It’s not big; it’s not clever. And I get at least 36 more brutal insults daily.

The comedic homage to spy movies, Kingsman, was released on 24 January 2015. It took me nearly a year to watch it. Seriously. I’m not exaggerating. Exhibit A, ladies and gentlemen…

Case closed: I am a proper moron, right?

But if there’s one thing I strive for, it’s acceptance. Please like me; I like you. Do you like me yet? I’ll buy you some chocolate. Unless you’re diabetic. Have a bowl of fruit. We’re best friends now, right?

And as I’m super desperate for acceptance, I’m putting the fact that it took me roughly 341 days to watch an incredible movie aside, and I’m writing up every single thing we know about its sequel, Kingsman: The Golden Circle, just for you.

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The Release Date

S***. We’re already starting off with something that, quite frankly, nobody knows. I’m nailing this article, aren’t I?

Originally, the Taron Egerton-starring successor was meant to be released in June. Then we saw it being pushed back to October. Now, the movie will officially be released in the UK and US 29 September 2017.

The only other movie to be released this day is the Kiefer Sutherland, Diego Luna-starring Flatliners remake. The It remake is also set to be released in a similar period, but I’ll stick to watching Kingsman: The Golden Circle. No. Not because I’m scared. Shut up.

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The Director

When I’m not watching Kingsman, I’m watching Kick-Ass. And when I’m not watching Kick-Ass, I’m watching Stardust. And when I’m not watching Stardust, I’m watching Layer Cake. And when – oh, you get the idea. I like Matthew Vaughn.

Which is why I’m absolutely buzzing that he’s returning to direct the Kingsman 2 picture. You wouldn’t believe how crazy my computer’s dictionary is going every time I type ‘Kingsman’.

The Cast

Meh. The cast is pretty average at best. Overnight-star, Taron Egerton, who’s landed leading roles in Eddie the Eagle, Sing and Robin Hood: Origins, is set to reprise his role as Eggsy. Big whoop. It’s not as if I hugely rate him and expect him to be one of the biggest actors, one day. Who cares? It’s not as if I want him to be my best friend. It’s not as if I took a week off work crying when I found out Taron was returning. Sheesh.

It seems that neither Michael Caine nor Samuel L Jackson will be returning, giving that both of their characters died in the original. But, even though his character died in the original, it seems that Colin Firth is set to reprise his role as Harry Hart. I don’t know how either, but this is the film where people’s heads exploded in a rainbow-coloured mass homicide, all set to Pomp And Circumstance. Anything can happen.

While the cast are hesitant to reveal Colin’s return, Egerton finally confirmed it by uploading a teaser poster to Twitter, saying “A message from an old friend”.

Again, how Harry survived a bullet to the head is as unknown as how Samuel L Jackson managed to convince Matthew Vaughn to let him do that weird lisp-y voice. But having sat in a dark basement, with string pinned to a board, 18 Red Bulls and holding Taron’s fish to ransom, I’ve finally deducted that it seems the poster hints at Harry’s return – could the glasses have been bulletproof? With Samuel L Jackson’s Richmond Valentine afraid of blood and gore, he wouldn’t have checked to see if the bullet actually killed him. Plus, if it wasn’t obvious that Colin’s returning, Game of Thrones’ Pedro Pascal kinda gave it away in this ever-so-subtle Instagram.

A post shared by Pedro Pascal (@pascalispunk) on

Also set to star in Kingsman: The Golden Circle is a huge crowd of American A-listers, including Julianne Moore, who is appearing as the movie’s antagonist and criminal mastermind, Poppy – with Vinnie Jones appearing as her sidekick. The Statesmen as the American counterpart to the Kingsmen, and will see Halle Berry (who plays Ginger) leading the likes of Pedro, who will play Jack Daniels, who has been described as a “swaggering, sharpshooting cowboy”.

The Statesmen also includes Channing Tatum and Jeff Bridges in relatively unknown roles. There’s also said to be a cameo from Elton John, which has been penned as a “key role”.

The Plot

A lot of the original Kingsman was based on Millar’s graphic novel, which – quite frankly –  I think is just damn lazy of Vaughn. Sheesh. But this sequel should follow relatively unchartered territory. Millar never wrote a follow-up-novel, meaning this will be totally original content.

Jeff

The official synopsis reads as:

Eggsy (Taron Egerton) and Merlin (Mark Strong), two British spies, travel to the United States to join forces with their American counterparts.

And that, my friends, is about as vague as saying “Eggsy and Merlin might drink some water in the movie. But they might not. We dunno.”

It has since been revealed that the British HQ is going to have been blown up at Poppy’s (Julianne Moore) hand, hence the connection the the US Statesmen. Oh, and, erm… Spoiler alert. Sorry. Having been based in America, Egerton – while speaking to Den of Geek UK – said “I think it very much is political. I think I can say there’s a ‘presidential’ thread that runs through the new film.” And you know what that means?! TRUMP-BASHING. Shut up and take my money. Plus, there might be more anal jokes…

The Trailer

Taron has done us a massive favour by teasing the return of Harry Hart, talking openly about plot points, and now he’s shared the first footage of Kingsman 2. Let’s check it out together, shall we?

WHAT THE ACTUAL SHIT, TARON? I SNEEZED AND MISSED IT. THE BEST FRIENDSHIP IS OVER, SON.

Oh, who am I kidding? I can’t stay mad at you.

20th Century Fox then finally did us all a solid by uploading the full trailer, and now I don’t feel like I need to be Quicksilver’s premature sibling from that X-Men: Days of Future Past scene just to understand what was going on.

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