Shia’s a unique sorta squirt, isn’t he? He’ll rock up to events with a paper bag on his head; he’ll stand in front of a green screen and squat as if he’s pushing through his constipation, in the name of art; and he’s the only man, since Anakin Skywalker, to wear a f***ing rat-tail in his hair.
But if Shia just sat back and went “You know what? I’m just going to chill in my pants, watch It’s Always Sunny on Netflix, and possibly get both my hands stuck in a Pringles tube”, is he really Shia LaBeouf?
He’s really gone full Shia and broken box office records by starring in a movie that flopped faster than – insert your own old man penis joke here.
Dito Montiel’s Man Down opened in UK cinemas this week, and – brace yourself – one ticket was sold. It made £7 at the cinema. Baring in mind, the poor schmuck who went to see this probably spent at least quadruple that on a small box of unflavoured popcorn before the screening.
In case you need further clarity, Disney’s reimagining of Beauty and the Beast took home over £6.75 million, so… Yeah. Man Down? More like, erm, Two Thumbs Down. ‘Cause it’s not doing too well. Gettit? Sigh.
It’s hard to see why the film, which also stars Gary Oldman, Kate Mara and Jai Courtney, made such little money. It did – admittedly – only open in one cinema, Reel Cinema, Burnley, but surely that can’t be the reason, can it? Oh wait. Yes. Yes it probably is the reason. It’s as if Hollywood is saying “Meh. Shia’s on the verge of running through the streets naked, firing pies at people’s houses and calling him The Winged Marsupial, so let’s just see if we can push him over the edge.”
The screening was held to coincide with the movie’s release on digital platforms, so I’m just hoping that somewhere, someone has bought about 2,493,105,694 copies of it on iTunes.
At least I know where director Dito Montiel got the title of the war-drama from; by imagining himself raking only £7 after it’s opening weekend, and him being a man, face-down on the floor, crying and sweating, naked, as his family leave him.
Shia, have you got any last words? What would you say to the people who are unsure about whether or not to watch Man Down?