Here’s Who’d Win An Oscar If None Of The Nominees Were Nominated

Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic. Judy Garland in The Wizard of Oz. The LEGO Movie. These are just three reasons as to why the Academy Awards infuriate me, and three reasons as to why I should probably get out more.

Don’t get me wrong; the Oscars are like Christmas 2.0 for me. It’s just a shame that every movie released in the past 365 days can’t be nominated. Well, every film apart from Monster Trucks.

“So if the incredible Manchester by the Sea and Moonlight weren’t nominated, who would get the award?” I hear you ask. Well, I’ve omitted every single Academy Award nominee and came up with my own contenders.

And even if you weren’t asking, sod it, I’m doing it anyway.

Best Picture


While it was a pretty easy category to nominate for, what with these films generating loads of acting and directing nods, it’s not as easy to pick a winner. (Unlike this year’s nominees; or as I like to call them “La La Land and the eight losers”.)

  • Silence
  • Nocturnal Animals
  • Sully
  • 20th Century Women
  • Zootopia
  • Florence Foster Jenkins
  • The Lobster
  • Loving
  • Jackie

Best Director


I know how important this is; if you’re anything like me, you still kiss your bedside photo of Ben Affleck and tell him “One day… One day, Ben”. Plus, if I nominate Jon Favreau, he kinda has to cast me in his Lion King remake, surely.

  • Garth Davis – Lion
  • Jon Favreau – The Jungle Book
  • David Mackenzie – Hell or High Water
  • Martin Scorsese – Silence
  • Denzel Washington – Fences

Best Actor


No matter who I nominate in this, I still don’t have a Scooby-Doo who’s Best Actor and who’s Best Supporting Actor, so I’ve just put some faces on a dartboard and picked them all at random. (But seriously, I put a lot of effort into this. Read it.)

  • Andrew Garfield – Silence
  • Tom Hanks – Sully
  • Jake Gyllenhaal – Nocturnal Animals
  • Miles Teller – Bleed for This
  • Joel Edgerton – Loving

Best Actress


Sigh. I wanted to put every single nominee as Annette Benning, but apparently that wouldn’t make for much of a ceremony. I’ll settle for three nominees being Annette, and two being Amy. #OscarsSoAgainstPeopleWithNamesBeginningWithA.

  • Amy Adams – Arrival
  • Annette Benning – 20th Century Women
  • Taraji P. Henson – Hidden Figures
  • Emily Blunt – Girl on the Train
  • Rebecca Hall – Christine

Best Supporting Actor


  • Aaron Taylor-Johnson – Nocturnal Animals
  • Hugh Grant – Florence Foster Jenkins
  • Aaron Eckhart – Sully
  • Ben Foster – Hell or High Water
  • Sunny Pawar – Lion

Best Supporting Actress


  • Greta Gerwig – 20th Century Women
  • Janelle Monae – Hidden Figures
  • Lupita Nyong’o – Queen of Katwe
  • Molly Shannon – Other People
  • Felicity Jones – A Monster Calls

Best Animated Feature


  • Finding Dory
  • Sausage Party
  • Trolls
  • Sing
  • The Little Prince

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