Let’s not beat around the bush; I am single.
I’m three more swipes away from completing Tinder. I wouldn’t even say it’s “trying to leave the friend zone”; it’s more a case of “escaping from Palcatraz”.
But as an avid movie-fan, I’ve come to the realisation that being single is actually probably for the better. If you’re reading this and are in a happily-committed relationship, the odds are that you’re probably bat-shit creepy.
The beauty of cinema is that the possibilities are endless; a man can hook his house up to 93,294 balloons and move to Venezuela, and you don’t have to worry about where he’s going to get gas and electricity from. You need not worry about the real life implications, and how you’d react if these events happened to you.
But actually, when you finish your favourite rom-com, you might come to realise that they’re just as cute as receiving an unsolicited dick pic. (Which, if you actually are keen on, contact me for my mobile phone number, please.)
Beauty and the Beast (1991)
Mrs Potts sings of tale as old as time? Unless the tale you’re talking about is Stockholm syndrome, I’m not taking relationship advice from a teapot.
Sure, the Beast clothes and feeds Belle; he gives her her own library, but prisoners get to play pool and watch Jeremy Kyle for days on end. Because that’s exactly what Belle is – she’s a prisoner.
She was being held against her will, in order to take the place of her father, Maurice. Belle was the Beast’s prisoner, and even when she tried to escape once, the Beast tracked her down. She actually considered clubbing a few wolves with a stick would be better than having to endure Beast’s irregular mood swings.
Still, I’d consider being wolf-dinner as long as it didn’t mean I’d have to listen to Ewan McGregor’s French accent.
Flowers. Chocolates. Or spending a the best part of a few hours in a freezing cold ship, fully naked, with a near-enough stranger sketching your entire body. One of these romantic gestures is not like the others.
A full-body illustration could take ages to do; just think, Leo could have spent about thirty minutes getting the shading right on Kate’s vulva. If that isn’t awkward, what is?
Besides, I can barely draw a stick figure without it looking like Stevie Wonder’s signature, so let’s just hope DiCaprio was a better illustrator than I am, otherwise there’s going to be some very awkward (and semi-naked) discussions to be had either. Like, if she has one boob bigger than the other, does he draw that so? Or does he make them perfectly symmetrical to please her?
The entire time, I bet he was counting down the seconds for that iceberg.
Love Actually (2003)
I’m not going to lie to you – there hasn’t been a year where I haven’t watched Love Actually, since it’s release. But that doesn’t mean it’s a cute, adorable feel-good film. I’ve seen Misery four times, after all.
I’m going to brush past the fact that 12-year old Sam has probably been passed around a nearby prison as a ginger-haired drugs mule, for the past year, for jumping past airport security just to declare his love.
What really makes my skin crawl is Andrew Lincoln’s character, Mark. Richard Curtis’ romcom opens with Mark recording his best friend’s wedding… Except the footage doesn’t show a single second of his bestie. Either Mark’s a huge racist, or he’s so infatuated with Keira Knightley that he has to zoom his camera so deeply into her face that he can heavily breathe into her pores.
As for those signs? I’m pretty sure they make him a borderline sociopath.
50 First Dates (2004)
Picture this – you’re Drew Barrymore. You have a rare disorder that means, every time you go to sleep, your memory is wiped, and you wake up every day expecting you’re a teenager living in Hawaii.
Now, one day you wake up only to find a VHS with “Good morning, Lucy” written on it (which is something straight up from ‘How To Be A Serial Killer 101’). This video plays only to inform you that you’re new partner has kidnapped you, along with your child, and you’re currently stranded on a small boat, for the rest of your life.
Nothing could make this worse. Nothing.
Unless you woke up only to find out that your partner was Adam Sandler. BRB. Just gonna tie some rocks to my ankles and jump off of this boat.
The Notebook (2004)
“Mum. Dad. Can you tell us how you two met and fell in love?”
“Of course we can, sweetie. You see, your Dad was a lower-class gentleman, and I was from a more sophisticated family, and while we tried to give it a go, it just didn’t really work, did it?”
“No. No it didn’t, sweetie. But then your mother was on a date with a different guy; they were on a ferris wheel, because that’s the only place you can date in movies, y’see. So I thought now this is my chance. I scaled the attraction, because it’s totally not a psychotic thing to do, and I threatened to let go if she didn’t agree to dump him and date me.”
“So there you have it, kids. Your father threatened to commit suicide in front of me and hundreds of children if I didn’t kiss him. Cute, right? You should have seen when he proposed. He went to an orphanage with nothing but the ring and a vest made entirely of deadly explosives.”