Jeff Goldblum Tortured Me With A Live Scorpion

They say to never meet your heroes. In the case of when I met Jeff Goldblum, I’d have to say I’d agree with that statement.

Not because he was a horrific monster; he was the opposite, in fact. The reason I wish I had never met him was because he placed a f***ing live scorpion on my face.

I should probably give some context to that story – I don’t want you think he passed me in the street and launched an arachnid at my head.

My day job sees me as a creative producer for a radio station, and when I found out we had one of my favourite actors, Jeff Goldblum, joining us in the studio to chat about Jurassic World Dominion, I naturally made the entire feature about myself… Yes, I’m an egomaniac. I literally have a whole website about me and my interviews – don’t act shocked.

As Jeff reprised his role as Dr Ian Malcolm, the man with all the answers, Roman Kemp, Sian Welby and Sonny Jay would pitch difficult questions to him, such as “Who’s the worst actor you’ve ever performed alongside?” and should he refuse to answer it, I – his biggest fan – would get punished.

I had faith in Jeff. He wouldn’t want to see me suffer. I was literally wearing his merch. (His very, very, very expensive merch.) He’d have my back.

Or so I thought. He refused to answer any of the questions, meaning I had my legs waxed, I ate a spoonful of crickets, and had a live scorpion placed on my face.

And you want to know the worst part? As I was being briefed by the scorpion handler, she said the worst that’ll happen is that the scorpion may pinch my nose. Which bloody unsettled me. Have you seen the size of my nose?! THINK OF THE SURFACE AREA THAT WOULD HAVE TO ATTACK. MY FACE IS LITERALLY 80% NOSE!!

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