Yeah. You read that headline right. This interview did involve the famed, critically acclaimed Spider-Man actor, and his piles.
Welcome to The Movie Dweeb, where chats about film and cinema are second to fart-jokes.
Let me (somehow) try to put this into context, before I’m permanently blacklisted from the world of Hollywood junkets forever.
I spoke to Uncharted star, Sophia Ali – who brilliantly plays Chloe Frazer in the franchise – on Tuesday. We spoke in-depth for a lengthy 30 minutes, discussing the wildest stunts she took on, how she reacted to landing the role, and then I asked her the almighty question…
“I watched the Uncharted trailer like a hawk, waiting for the moment Tom Holland said ‘Oh crap,’ like Nathan Drake. Do you, Sophia, have any secrets or embarrassing stories that – if he was watching this interview now – would make Tom say ‘Oh crap’?”
Sophia, true-to-form, quickly improvised and joked that Tom was riddled with haemorrhoids.
From there, we riffed endlessly about how he was suffering; how that he must have struggled to perform all of those stunts with piles, and after I wiped away the tears from my eyes, we bid each other farewell, and I closed the Zoom call.
Only for it to error, and not save the file at all. Cool. That’s what everyone wants to hear; when you’re told the world’s most popular actor has lumps in and around his bumhole, for the evidence to by wiped off of the face of the planet forever.
Fortunately for me, Sophia was willing to redo the interview and I forced the poor girl to endure the exact same jokes and questions I asked her exactly 48 hours later. (It was truly a test of her abilities as an actor, as she pretended she had heard those questions for the very first time. Get Sophia an Oscar, already.)
In the second interview, which happened on Thursday, Sophia sent Tom Holland a text message, saying “Yo, whaddup, T-Dizzle? 🍣🍣🍣🍣 Have you got any cream yet? Thinking about you, bro.”
Sure, maybe telling Sophia to send Tom the URL to The Movie Dweeb, and asking him for an interview would have been the wiser thing to do, in retrospect, but four sushi emojis is a close second, right?
Right?
While Tom didn’t reply – maybe because he was busy applying an ointment to his arse – Sophia made-up his response; “Haha. Cream? Thanks for reaching out. Yeah. I’m all creamed up. I’m getting better. I’m on the road to recovery. Thanks.”
Let that sink in; somewhere, Tom could be “all creamed up”. Let that sink in, internet.