Hollywood movies will lead you to believe that ‘giving’ is the only meaning of Christmas. Do you know what the real meaning of Christmas is?

No. Of course it’s not love. What are you? Eight years old?!

No, kids. The true meaning of Christmas isn’t love. It’s revenge, murder and sin.

These are five festive movies with questionable morals. Merry Christmas.

Jingle All The Way

I actually see a lot of resemblances between my life and 1996’s Jingle All The Way. Jamie is a little dick. I, too, have – was a little dick. His father is an Austrian bodybuilder and former politician. My Dad, y’know, is a little dick. And in both cases, the children were left disappointed by one Christmas where their father failed to get their dream toy.

I still resent my father for not getting me that My Little Pony Action Man when I was younger. Sometimes, when I go to his, I will deliberately leave the hall light on, just because I know that that will make any father’s blood absolutely boil.

And that’s how it should be – Jamie should resent Arnold Schwarzenegger. And not just for his stint as Mr Freeze.

Instead, Jingle All The Way tells us that we should ruin everyone else’s lives in order to get what we want.

Dads, listen, if you don’t have your kid’s PS5 this year, don’t worry – just punch a reindeer in the face, and you’ll get one.

And if that doesn’t work, why not try impersonating a police officer? The console will just fall into your arms. Or better yet? Threaten to explode a police station with a bomb. This all actually happened in the film.

You say terrorist; I say father for justice.

Miracle on 34th Street

Miracle on 34th Street is one of my Mum’s favourite Christmas films. Let’s ruin it, shall we?

When I was younger, my mother would always advise me not to take sweets from a stranger – she wasn’t worried I’d be abducted; who’d want this? She was just concerned that if I did eat the sweets, as I’m a diabetic, her medical bills would go through the roof.

But Miracle on 34th Street doesn’t take this into consideration; in fact, it preaches the opposite. If you are a young girl, only talk to a creepy strange man who you’ve just met in a supermarket if… He possesses magical powers. And then it’s totally a-okay.

Miracle on 34th Street is one of my Mum’s favourite Christmas films. Let’s ruin it, shall we?

When I was younger, my mother would always advise me not to take sweets from a stranger – she wasn’t worried I’d be abducted; who’d want this? She was just concerned that if I did eat the sweets, as I’m a diabetic, her medical bills would go through the roof.

But Miracle on 34th Street doesn’t take this into consideration; in fact, it preaches the opposite. If you are a young girl, only talk to a creepy strange man who you’ve just met in a supermarket if… He possesses magical powers. And then it’s totally a-okay.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas

2020 has been a huge step towards racial equality, and it’s genuinely so overdue and just great to see that we’re finally beginning to eliminate systemic racism. But not at Christmas. Christmas is racist.

I’m not talking about various depictions of Santa, because he’s always illustrated as white. That would be silly. Santa isn’t real. I’m talking about the Grinch. THAT IS RACIST.

Sure, the Grinch may look like a heroin-addicted Chewbacca, but he’s just a lovable green guy who was laughed out of his school because he looked different. Now let’s take this format and we’ll give the Grinch a new characteristic.

He’s no longer just a green, hairy bloke; he’s, erm, Jewish. He goes to his school, and is bullied by lots of blonde hair, blue eyed kids, because he’s Jewish. This film hits differently now, doesn’t it?

Of course, I don’t actually believe this film’s racist – I think How the Grinch Stole Christmas is a brilliant film, and – disclaimer: is nowhere comparable to, y’know, the Holocaust. I just want to make that clear.

The main reason I’m so annoyed is because look at the Whovians’ tiny, perfect little noses. And here I am – my nose looks like the mountain the grinch lives on.

The Santa Clause

This year has seen a lot of people lose their jobs; whether it’s due to furloughs or redundancies; 2020 has been rough on many industries.

There is, however, a solution to this matter – kill Father Christmas, and you get his job.

The Santa Clause. That’s an actual Disney film.

Home Alone

You can’t spell Christmas without Home Alone, can you? No. That wasn’t rhetorical – I’m just really bad at spelling.

Home Alone sees Kevin McAllister, after a series of arguments with his family, wish that they’d all disappear. The next day, they accidentally leave him at home, alone.

OH MY GOD. I’ve just worked out why that film is called what it’s called.

Now, I’m not a parent – that I know of – but I assume the family were quick to turn around and save their young son? What? They – they went on their holiday? No. That’s – that’s cool, I suppose. He was then attacked by possibly murderous criminals? Are – are you sure… He then attacked them back and fought them off?

Kevin, an 8-year-old boy, clubs someone in the face with an iron. He was a child and he dropped a burning iron onto a man’s face.

That’s a crime. During this film, he committed several acts of violence; he deliberately froze over his stairs, to make this man fall down; he heated his metal door knob and burnt his hand; he booby trapped the stairs with a nail so this barefoot man would impale his foot; he needs to be punished.

What? He already did get punished? Good. What happened to him?

Oh. He met Donald Trump? No. That’s too much. That is unfair. The legal system is unjust.

So this Christmas, as you sit down with your family to watch Love Actually, maybe think again.

No, not because you’re watching it with your Nan and at one point, you’re going to have to pretend you didn’t make eye contact with Joanna Page’s Christmas puddings, but because that too will probably have a weird, dark message.

Exhibit A: It’s Christmas, so… WHY THE FUCK IS SHE WEARING DEVIL HORNS?

IT MAKES NO SENSE!!! I genuinely think that’s worse than her trying to sleep with a married man, surely.