The Academy won’t let me nominate the films I want to see at the Oscars. No matter how much poop I post through their letterboxes.

So I took it upon myself to imagine a world where not a single one of the Academy Award nominees were, actually, nominated. Here’s who’d be taking away the awards if it wasn’t for Joker…

Best Picture

I’m pleased the likes of Jojo Rabbit and Once Upon A Time In Hollywood made appearances by contending for the highly coveted Best Picture gong.

I would, however, be lying if I didn’t say I hadn’t thrown a small desk through a third floor window when The Farewell was omitted.

• Bombshell
• Dolemite Is My Name
• The Farewell
• Knives Out
• The Two Popes
• Uncut Gems

Best Director

In the words of Boy Better Know’s 2009 grime hit ‘Too Many Man’; we need some more girls in here – there’s too many man, too many many man. Who knew women could brilliantly direct a movie?

Apart from everyone…

• Greta Gerwig
• Josh and Benny Safdie
• Lorene Scafaria
• Lulu Wang
• Rian Johnson

Best Actor

If you’d have told me The Ridiculous 6‘s Adam Sandler and A Thousand Words‘ Eddie Murphy would be competing against each other for Best Actor at the Oscars, I’d have happy-slapped you.

Admittedly, I’d have been right in doing so, as they’re only nominated in my wishful, fictional realm.

• Adam Sandler
• Christian Bale
• Eddie Murphy
• Robert De Niro
• Taron Egerton

Best Actress

Read what I said about Best Picture, but replace The Farewell with Awkwafina and you’ve pretty much got it.

I really owe this office a hell of a lot of windows.

• Alfre Woodard
• Awkwafina
• Lupita Nyong’o

Best Supporting Actor

• Jamie Foxx
• Song Kang Ho
• Willem Dafoe

Best Supporting Actress

• Annette Benning
• Jennifer Lopez
• Margot Robbie
• Nicole Kidman
• Zhao Shuzhen

Best Animated Feature

• Abominable
• The Addams Family
• Frozen 2
• The Secret Life of Pets 2
• Spys in Disguise