If you know me in person, you’ll know that I’m a little bitch. But, heck, this is the Internet and if Tinder’s taught me anything, you can fake who you are in a heartbeat, so…
I love horror films. Oh, gee. They’re the best.
Who am I trying to kid? I haven’t watched a horror movie since I saw the 2003 crime-thriller Gothika round my friend’s house and sprinted all the way home at risk of Halle Berry catching me. (If only that was a plausibility now.)
I have, however, seen my fair share of Disney movies, so I can talk about how truly terrifying they were. Just go with it, okay?
First Walt Disney released Snow White, a delightful romp about a fair princess and her seven comical companions. Then he released Pinocchio, a light-hearted delight with an iconic sidekick, Jiminy Cricket. For his third picture, Walt summoned the actual bastarding devil himself for a nightmare scene. Logic.
Chernobog, a three gazillion-foot-tall anti-Christ summons his undead army of death to take over the planet and haunt the minds of anyone they come in contact with. Just to put this scene in context, it happens right after some hippos do ballet with crocodiles. Even more logic.
At least there was nipples in the children’s animation. The most logic ever.
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
Speaking of Walt’s critically acclaimed debut, Snow White, it doesn’t get off that easily. Sure, there’s a bloke in it called Dopey, which is funny, but ever since the movie’s opening, I haven’t been able to go dogging without being slightly concerned for my wellbeing.
Snow – which is a really unoriginal name to give your daughter if your surname’s White – has a totally innocent stroll through a forest until the trees literally turn on her and try to murder the crap out of her. If she got murdered by the Huntsman, fair play. If she got murdered by the Evil Queen, fair play. But getting bumped off by a twig would suck.
If you’re a chef, this film probably terrifies you just for the hygiene issues. (When I say “chef”, I obviously omit those working at a Wimpy. This film is just a welcome message you show all new staff, isn’t it?)
However, things get a bit darker than just some measly black death in your coq au vin when Django attempts to put off his son, Remy, from hanging out with us human-folk, by taking him to see a window full of hanging, decaying rat corpses.
RATZ RULE. HUMANZ DROOL.
(Sorry. Just like the Pixar animation, a rat got hold of my hair and made me type that. Aside from the humiliation and the inevitable leptospirosis, I’m okay.)
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
The Disney universe is scattered with fun, upbeat songs about the smaller things in life. Bambi opens with a song about gentle rainfall. A candlestick sings about welcoming a stranger into their friendship circle. Hakuna Matata is literally about not worrying about anything ever again.
So what sort of messed up day did the lyricists have when they started drafting the songs for this film?! Claude Frollo, the antagonist, literally sings about burning a woman to death if she doesn’t cop off with him.
I mean, maybe it’s scarier for me because it hits home a tad, but I’d never burn a woman alive. Just force my dog to poo on her front garden. That’s all.
I embedded that video into the page because – not only are Hall & Oates goddamn geniuses – I think you’re going to need it just to make it through this entry.
A child is orphaned by a blood-thirsty predator. The animals that then raised this child are shot by a machete-wielding madman, who is then publicly hung in front of his coworkers. Yeah. He’s still swinging there now by his purple, bruised throat. Chances are Tarzan just uses him as a clothes-rack now.
Lady and the Tramp
Disney actually made a full-length feature film about three cows – with the help of a horse voiced by Cuba Gooding Jr. – attempting to save their farm. That’s the most lighthearted piece of cinema to-date, so having seen Lady and the Tramp, I speak on behalf of everyone when I say “what the actual fuck?”
A rat crawls into someone’s house and tries to eat their bloody baby. And the worst part? I was hoping it’s deceased body would be displayed in a shop window like in Ratatouille, but instead, we get to witness the charming, suave protagonist, Tramp, murder it.
Ah… So that’s why Disney World is the happiest place on earth. It all makes sense now.